too sensitive?

am i being oversensitive? am i changing to a weak person? 

am i the trouble maker? is it always my fault?

i'm questioning myself, something i never done before. i usually know when i'm right or wrong. now, i'm confused and questioning all the things i've done. so not me.


things have changed for me. something's wrong with my heart. somethings wrong with my brain. not enough with one, i'm having problem with another two. it's like i'm the one to blame. i'm the one to be bullied. not bullied as in physically bullied. but probably mentally tortured. though i won't call it torture. but still...
it's like stuff said to me, no matter how hurtful, i must accept and bare with it, but stuff said to them, which are not hurtful, it will change to a fight, an argument. am i the one to blame? still my fault?


sometimes, i feel like crying, right in the spot, when they say whatever they say. even typing it now hurts. tears are dropping. *ala ala teardrops on my guitar. haha...blh buat lawak lagi* i don't know if it's just me or what. coz i am the one who's hurt, who's feeling the burn in my heart, choking back tears, not them. diorang boleh gelak lagi. so, i just take it as a joke. but when i say stuff to them, which is not at all sensitive, diorang terasa.


i hate when people pin-point on my weakness or say that i'm not at something i think i'm okay with. so many things...too many things...too much...can't take it...
so what do i do? i keep quiet. very quiet. let them be whatever they wanna be, i will be me. repair myself, improvise from day to day. i'm strong, and i love me. don't need nobody but me.

at times like this where i wish i had Prince Charming, riding on a black horse, with a cape, he could even wear a mask, just like Zorro. knock on my door whenever i  feel down, take me on a horse ride in the middle of the night, through the forest, and finally we reach a stream. watching the moon and only hear to his voice, calming me down. if i feel like bursting into tears, his strong shoulders would support me. whispering all the things i need to know at that moment. when i'm all okay, he'll send me back safe and warm. 
kan best kalau Prince nie ada 'sense' bila ema sedih. sedih je, dia bawak ema keluar and then send me back. hmmm....keep dreaming!!

why me? why now?

as usual, reading the title, you'd already guess, ema is confused again! as if this will ever end.
i'm sorry, but i can't help it. i'm really sorry.


i'm not only confused, i'm tired, i'm sweaty, i hate this feeling
whenever he's around, i get all nervous. when i know he's looking or staring at me, i get more nervous! i'm like, 'What are you looking at? why are you looking at me? look away!'


i'm just as confused as before...scary!

Syria

ema baru balik drpd satu talk kt USM on Kebangkitan Syria. i found out some interesting stuff about Syria and i would be more than happy to share what i heard with readers out there.


Syria is not pronounced as Shyria, but more like Siria. the Syria Revolution began last year, on 15th of March 2011 t be exact. it started due to the actions of some little kids writing these on the wall of their school, 'we want the government to step down' (which also means, Hasyar al-Basar to step down)


Syria mengamalkan media tertutup di mana kekejaman di negeri itu tidak diketahui umum kerana media seluruh negara dikawal oleh pemimpinnya. sudah hampir 40 tahun lebih penduduk Syria ditindas di negeri sendiri. Syria mengamalkan pemerintahan diktator.


para pemimpin Syria bermazhab Syiah Nusairiah. Syiah Nusairiah adalah terdiri daripada puak Syiah, tetapi lebih sesat dan obses dengan Saidina Ali. dikatakan mereka ini mempercayai bahawa Saidina Ali merupakan Tuhan dan tempatnya di atas awan. Oleh itu, setiap kali puak ini melihat awan, mereka akan memberi salam kepada Saidina Ali. 


terdapat hadis Rasulullah yang berbunyi "yang zalim akan dikeluarkan daripada tanah Syam"
(Syam di sini termasuklah tanah Syria, Palestin dan sebagainya)
contoh situasi yang membenarkan kata2 Rasulullah di atas ialah peristiwa di Lembah Yarmouk suatu ketika dahulu. Rom VS orang Islam daripada Damsyik. pada ketika ini, bilangan tentera Islam amatlah sedikit, lebih kurang 25000 orang sahaja. Manakala bilangan tentera Rom pula hampir 250000. Disebabkan itu, pasukan tentera Islam meminta bantuan daripada Iraq dan memperoleh bekalan tentera yang diketuai oleh Khalid bin al-Walid. Pertempuran berlaku selama 5 hari. pada hari yang ke-5 itu, tentera Rom telah mengundur diri. 
Mana mungkin bilangan tentera yang sekecil itu mampu berlawan dengan bilangan tentera yang berkali ganda daripadanya? Ternyata ini adalah bantuan daripada Allah.


kemudian, penceramah beralih ke kisah seorang pemimpin hebat iaitu Salehuddin al-Ayubi. Salehuddin bermain-main pada usia kanak-kanaknya. maka ketika ayahnya melihatnya bermain-main, terus diangkatnya Salehuddin tinggi2 di udara, lalu dia berkata kepada anaknya, "Aku tidak berkahwin dengan ibu kamu untuk melihat kamu bermain-main. Tapi aku mengahwini ibu kamu, dan ibu kamu melahirkan kamu untuk melihat kamu memerdekakan Baitulmaqdis" Setelah it, dilepaskan Salehuddin daripada tempat tinggi tersebut. pada kebiasaannya, seorang anak kecil pasti akan menangis kerana terjatuh, apalagi kalau terjatuh dari tempat tinggi. Namun, Salehuddin tidak menangis. lalu, ayahnya bertanya kepadanya, "mengapa kamu tidak menangis?" tahu apa yang dijawab oleh kanak-kanak itu? "Orang yang akan memerdekakan BaitulMaqdis tidak akan menangis" Subhanallah..

KELEBIHAN TANAH SYAM BERDASARKAN HADIS2 RASULULLAH

1- tempat yang aman adalah Syam. Apabila ada peperangan @ fitnah, tempat yang paling aman adalah Syam

2- Aku (Rasulullah) nampak satu cahaya yang terang menuju ke Syam. Ingatlah, apabila berlaku fitnah, pergilah ke Syam

3- ahli Syam (isteri2, keturunan2, hamba2, pembantu2 wanita) adalah dianggap golongan yang berjaya untuk menegakkan agama Allah. Kalau ada yang melalui tanah Syam dan dia ingin menegakkan keadilan @ agama Allah, maka dia turt tergolong dalam golongan yang berjaga-jaga di Syam

4- Kalau Syam menjadi rosak, maka tiadalah kebaikan bagi kamu (golongan yang berpegang pada jalan Allah sangat ramai di Syam, sebab tu kalau Syam rosak, rosak terus umat Islam)

tahukah kita bahawa kiamat hanya berlaku kepada golongan yang zalim dan jahil? angin lembut akan menyapa setiap orang Islam, dengan syarat, terdapat iman di dalam dirinya walaupun sebesar zarah sekalipun. maka yang lainnya akan mati.

ustaz yang bagi talk ni ada cerita pasal kronologi peristiwa kiamat. but then, i couldn't get the whole story coz i was listening to him and then, by the time i realized 'm supposed to jot these down, i only managed to get the 1st part of the chronology-and that's not even complete. so, i decided to not write whatever that's incomplete. sorry.

lastly, i would like to end this entry with a hadith. 

"Sesiapa yang tidak berperang (jihad) di jalan Allah dan langsung tidak terlintas di hatinya untuk berjihad do jalan Allah, maka mereka akan mati dalam keadaan Jahiliyyah" Nauzubillah min zalik.

teruskan mencari

kalau kita tetap nak mencari kesalahan orang, ingatlah, at one point kita akn rasa mak ayah kita pun bersalah jugak. ema dah cuba cara baik, well, x delah baik sgt, but i tried being nice. the reason i did that is because i wanted changes. just like i said i'm a changed person, i also want people to change. memang susah utk berubah, tapi boleh cuba kan?


sometimes i wonder do you even feel whatever we felt when you cried? were the tears fake? crocodile tears? (teringat pada lecturer dental) i don't wanna think about it, coz i'll get furious.


i'm not who you think i am. (sounds like the Eminem song) you promised, but you violate your own promise. can't you see the pain in her eyes? pity her. i feel sorry for them, but nothing matters now. it's up to you. if you wanna drag this, that's entirely your choice. but if anything is to happen in the future, it's not my fault! DOn't you ever dare to say it's my fault! 


woman, you need to watch the movie 'speak' by Kristen Stewart. then you'll understand. but then, knowing who you are, you'll never learn. 


end.

love me coz i'm imperfect

you don't know how to swim and i love you. because, you give me a chance to teach and guide you on how to swim

you don't know how to dance and i love you. because, i get to lead you when we dance

you can't stand the cold and i love you. because, you give me the chance to hold you and make you warm

you don't like watching action-packed movies and i love you. because, i like you lying on my shoulder when you get bored

you are immature and i love you. because, you remind me how i used to be a kid and i feel like a kid again when i'm around you

you wake up late every morning and i love you. because, you give me the chance to look and your face when you're asleep

you can't cook and i love you. because, you give me the chance to be in the kitchen with you and work something out-TOGETHER

you are fragile and always fall asick and i love you. because, you give me the chance to take care of you

you aren't a romantic person and i love you. because, you give me the chance to try out something crazy to steal your heart

P/S: layan perasaan sebentar...

people change

well, people change over time.  like to use myself as the example, coz i know myself best right? *and so do you* 


actually this post is heading another direction, but since i got a call from my ex-roomate, she made me change the way this post would turn out. Miss Mickey had been calling me these days, talking bout different things at times.but yesterday, she called me and told me she wanted to change. change in what sense? to be a better person of course.


she said, she went out to meet her fellow friends, and it has been a while since they met. she was pretty shocked at how everybody were. according to Miss Mickey, everybody was already becoming a lady, acting like one, preparing themselves as woman. they were all so sweet, not much make-up on, very modest in their clothing, more matured...


and she wanna be like them. not because her friends look better than her, but she wish she would be as good as them, maybe even better. so, she wanna change. i told her a few things that she can do, as she's still new in this. well, i've been there, so, i understand what will she be going through. the conflict of becoming a better person will haunt. that's the thing you see. our inner self likes us to be a better person, likes us to do good things, that's why when  it comes to good things, we'll be so eager...


here are some guidelines..
1) don't stress yourself. don't push yourself too hard. it's a step-by-step process. relax, take your time...
2) start with something you think you can keep up with. stuff like wearing handsocks, or socks. 
3) be consistent. keep up with the little changes you made. always wear socks wherever you go. but you don't have to be so serious. wear colourful socks or socks that matches your blouse.
4) be ready with people's compliments. people are watching us, so be aware. they would tease or compliment. no matter what, keep up the smile, and just say 'Alhamdulillah'
5) use what you have and modify them. don't waste. Islam didn't teach us to waste money. use what you already have in your wardrobe and wear it according to the guidelines in Islam. if you have a T-shirt that's kindda short, pair it up with a flowy or straight-cut skirt. don't pair it up with jeans. easy?
6) it takes time. relax. this is a process of a lifetime. you will find yourself switching from one style to another, finding the one you love the most. so, be patient & go with the flow.
7) don't hold back anything. if you suddenly feel like taking the little step, don't hesitate and stop yourself. just go with it!


all the best!