Rants...

Assalamualaikum, readers.

I've been wanting to blog about this matter long long time ago, but i always find myself super lazy to type it down. 

I am the second child in the family; I have one older sister and one younger brother. The usual custom in a family is that everyone knows and recognizes the first child, and often forgets about the second one (for whatever reasons). In my case, everyone even recognizes my brother, maybe because he's the only son. 
Still, it irritates me how people would ask my mum who am i when i walk beside her in family events or marriage receptions. Grrr...

"She's my neighbour's daughter. The neighbour left her with us for a few days"  
"She's an exchange student from Kelantan. She's staying with us for a week"

Those above are some of my mum's answers, and they would believe it right away. 
Whattt??!!! Are you kidding me?!

*breathe*

So, I have to constantly explain myself over and over again...who i am, where i am now, what am i doing...yadda yadda...

Until one day i got very tired. 

So, i decided i would make my own name. 

The first time I did this was when i was 18 years old. I was in matriculation, and my cousin was talking to an uncle and auntie. They were talking about emailing some important stuff about education. 

I butt in and asked, "Why didn't you email me too? I am the same age as her"

The uncle and auntie stared at me, with the look, who's this girl?

They answered something back, i don;t remember what. But we ended up debating about the stupid email. haha...

Since then, both the uncle and auntie watched over for me during family gatherings. 

Even to this day, i have to fight with my sister and brother to be known and recognized by my family members. Alhamdulillah, making new friends with random uncles and aunties by cracking stupid jokes. 

I don;t mind people know me as the clone of my mum, coz i think i am. I am very hyped like my mum, but i am still so far from being my mum. 

My mum is capable of talking to just anybody, even to those who say bad stuff about her, just to be nice and respectful. 

I am not quite there yet. 

I know i can never be as famous as my sister and brother (they are known based on their facial features), but I am very happy to where i am now, proud at the efforts i've made and still recognized by these very few peoples, making small talks once a year...and they still remember me! Yay!!

So...

If you are somehow like me in the family, just relax. It takes time and courage to get out of your comfort zone and get to mingle around with people around you. 

Trust me, when i was in high school, i couldn't be bothered at who and what is going on in my family, because i was too busy being a teen. I had my cousins to hang out with in family events. 

Now, my cousins, the ones who are same age with me have their own clan to hang out with, so...i'm pretty much alone. I had to make my own group of friends, just to keep a conversation going. 

Funny thing is, I remember this one family member, she is my mum's cousin's wife. All i did was ask her how long has she arrived, with whom did she come and has she eaten yet whenever i see her in family gatherings. And just by this small talk, she remembers me and appreciates me for my effort. 

Start simple and small, sometimes, you'll come out strong and too loud. Relax. People need to see you for who you are. 
And these things take time, be patient. 

InsyaAllah, you'll get there. Just don;t give up.

Trust me, i have given up before on an uncle and now, the uncle knows me for real. 
he knows my jam, how i roll and even cracks jokes with me for hours.
*cried myself to sleep because i couldn't bond with him like my siblings*
*I'm so drama, i know*

okay, bye!

Goodbye dear friend.

Assalamualaikum.

Recently, i was hit with a news, a news i didn't expect to hear anytime soon...my cousin, my friend, my buddy passed away. 
He had some medical illness and was hospitalized for about 50+ days. He was a warrior, faught bravely through all the procedures in the hospital. 

When i first got the news, i didn;t know how to react. until my brain kept replaying the message "he's gone, your friend is really gone" over and over. I broke down and cried outside my lecture hall. 
He was a great friend, best buddy one can hope for. Strangely, he was more a friend, than he was a cousin. 

Anyhow, I didn't get the chance to say goodbye to him for the last time, and i guess that was a blessing. I shall forever remember him as the fun, outgoing, happy boy he was, and not the miserable, sick boy he became. 

So, i hope this would be therapeutic for me, a way of saying goodbye to him. 

*kindda wrote this in the plane, one the way to his funeral*

Dear Buddy,

You have been a great friend. More than great actually. You're kindda my best buddy, the one I run to when I hhad to scream and shout and curse, and you;d understand. You;d even be on my side, and curse the other person just to be supportive.

I know we didn't meet after you've been hospitalized but i am still grateful to not see you in such condition. The last time we met was a blast, we all got together for my sister's convocation and you were very helpful indeed, specially with my father's condition at that time, I coudn't thank you enough for all that you;ve done for me. 

Even now writing this down, i am not sure that you're really gone, Some part of me wishes that this isn't true.

But Allah knows best. 

I shall forever remember you in my doa and whenever i see something we both used to talk about. 
I can promise you this; i can never watch Despicable Me, Premium Tush, 50-50, Inception, Tangled and so many other movies without thinking about you, laughing at the silliest things we used to talk about. 

I shall in the future have a pet cat, a black one, just like Mama Kucing and name it Toothless, just for fun. Coz that's what we see in black cats. But only if my allergies are in check. If not, I'll find something else and name it Toothless. Haha...

I am tryly grateful that we've remained friends over the past 7 years, and we didn't have to meet so often to maintain the friendship.
Thanks for being a great friend, willing to accept my coocooness and craziness in my life. 

Goodbye, buddy.

I am okay now. It's just that the emptiness is still there, and maybe will remain there forever. 

Let's just pray for him. Al-Fatihah...