adventurous dream maybe?

i had an adventurous dream. wow! it was tiring, but it was kindda scary & confusing at the same time. i started with some sort of an elevator ride. there was Ina & I, with some other people i don't know. instead of going to the 4th floor, the elevator just went up and up, and it wouldn't stop. it was really scary, and everyone kindda panicked. there was nothing like 1, 2, 3....27 buttons on the elevator. more like, 1, 4, 25, 400, and so on. so, we don't have a choice but to press on the 400 button. but the elevator kindda went further up than that, and we got on the roads, but we're still in the bubble lift. it was like a crazy bus ride-but we're in air, and Alhamdulillah, we got the chance to safely reach the ground.
once we got off the bubble lift, Ina & I didn't say or comment about the ride to one another. weird. i mean, we would probably tell one another how crazy the ride was and go on crapping...but that didn't happen.
somehow, somewhere in the dream, i met with her. the girl i love so much, but too afraid to make a move-not after what had happened to us last year. she was standing next to me, and out of nowhere, i explained to her about something. yet, at that time, i recall telling myself to be cool & just play it safe. not too friendly, nor too cold. and at the end of the brief conversation, she said she wanted to talk to me. i agreed. we sat on a couch and i dunno what she said actually but i remember things got better there and then. we were laughing & joking about stuff...

and then, i met with him. he's a friend of mine, we are kindda crappy2 friends, where we see one another & say stuff about one another. it's a fun friendship. despite him being so bad and badmouthed, he's kindda nice. he helped me a few times. just that i need extra patience dealing with him. 
in my dream, he was totally nice. he cooked for someone food and i got all upset. the upset part was just an expression i showed to him. i expressed how mad i was that he didn't cook for me and refused to talk to him. he took it seriously and cooked a meal for me. i explained the next day that i was only joking, but he kept on following me, refusing to leave until i take the food from him. then, i saw a wising star. right before my eyes. *it was almost sunset timing. weird, but yeah, i saw it* i was trying to show him that i just saw a wishing star and told him to wish for something, but he was busy talking me into accepting the food, he didn't even look at the star. i couldn't remember what did i wish for that time. 
and somewhere when i was alone in the dream, i kindda felt happy that this guy is doing all of these to me, and something in my head told me, 

'This is WRONG ema! very WRONG!!' 

hahhaa...even in my dreams, my mind can still differentiate between right & wrong. Alhamdulillah...

as confused as ever

are you expecting something from me?

or are you just being ignorant?

i'm sorry but i'm not like you.

i can't just PRETEND you are not there

i can't just PRETEND i didn't hear you

i can't just PRETEND to not wanna see your face

i can't PRETEND to walk away from you 

without feeling ashamed and guilty

all this while, i've been blaming myself for all the bad things that happened to people around me

i would always think about the What If's when things went wrong

i would always wanna try to mend the broken hearts

i would always wanna try to make everyone around me happy

that's just me, being me.

this whole thing has been one whole disturbing situation and i don't even know why.

i'm just as confused as ever.

i'm recalling back the moments we have, tracing back time

thinking what have i done wrong.

maybe i did something wrong, and you are punishing me

but get this, Lady.

you're the one losing in this battle.

and i ain't backing down.

raya haji 2012

assalamualaikum people. so, raya haji just passed by and i was in Penang for three days, but guess what? it was so hectic that i didn't have time to spend time with myself. 
*well, i have this obsession of spending me time with just me alone, so that i don't feel like i'm losing me-self* 
okay, back to original story, the Qurban. we woke up early in the morning, wear baju kurung & then head to Bayan Baru, my grandma's place with the car. OMG! ehem ehem...
my dad has issues with his leg so he prefers not to drive and take the motorbike instead, and we've been dealing with the whole car pooling with my uncle for some time now and suddenly when my dad said, 'okay, let's go!' i'm like, 'are you serious?!'
there were less chaos with the trip to the surau for slat sunat AidilAdha this time around, and i realized that were we kindda quiet over breakfast. last raya was kindda noisy with everybody chit-chatting about one topic-a hot topic indeed! haha...
everybody just went on watching TV and helping my cousin sister with her assignment while the ladies went on cooking food.
and surprisingly, my dad offered me the car keys. this time around, i did not ask or beg for the keys, he just gave it to me. and we did make full use of the keys! hahhaa...we went driving on the road, getting honks from other cars, laugh like crazy when parking the car and Alhamdulillah, reached safely back home. HA! 
i got into a better conversation with my distant uncle and one of my distant uncles offered my sister company while she drive. and i, being all cute & nice-and being myself, popped my head in the center and looked up into my uncle's face and say, 'nak ikut. nak ikut' and he said YES! haha..the next morning, we went on a ride for 3 hours and both my sister and i got to drive on the road, with speed! at least that's what he told me, 'Ema bawak laju. ken slow down sikit' hehee...
that night, we had another gathering, just makan2 and sembang2, and bond with the rest of the family members. and i had so much F-U-N!
the next morning, i met Lim Guan Eng in the airport and now i'm in Kelantan! bye!

love

i am currently in the room, playing some of my favourite songs to keep myself awake and revise some stuff.
and i came to realize that these songs i've picked have very cute messages in it making me smile when i hear them. and i'm sharing them with you. maybe you'd like it.

"Any kind of guy you want girl,

Big Time Rush-Any Kind Of Guy

that's the kind of guy I'll be, turn myself upside down
Yes i will, yes i will
any kind of guy you want girl,
youn know i'll agree, turn your whole world around
yes i will, yes i will.

Any kind, any kind, any kind of guy you want,
You decide, change your mind
I will be there.
Won't you try, one more try
be my any kind of girl
You decide, it's alright
I will be there"

David Archuleta-My Kind Of Perfect

"Maybe i'm wrong, maybe i'm right

maybe i just let you walk by

What can i say? Maybe i've known you all my life

Is she the one? Is it today?

Will i turn the corner see my future in a beautiful face?

Maybe...

I'll keep searching for my kind of perfect"

Cody Simpson-Don't Cry Your Heart Out

"Girl, don't you cry your heart out,
Let me stop before you start out
Don't need his explainations, No
coz he don't really wanna know
about the way your feeling now
coz i'm the one who'd here for you, no doubt
so don't you cry your heart out"

The Wanted-I Found You

"I said, people

we're all looking for some love tonight

but sometimes we can't see it

we're blinded by the light

and we all get love, all get love

Searching for that peace of mind

But we're not giving up

We're looking for the same sign

That's when i found you"

fierce

i'm not your toy

am i allowed to get mad at people? 

do i deserve to feel mad?

would people still like me when i get mad?

should i get mad?

some of the things i went through back and forth in my mind. i was in lab, with the rest of my over 150 batch mates. and suddenly everyone turned to me for the attendance. it is not my turn today, but they asked me for the attendance with the look on their face,
"where's the attendance ema? you should have it! now the dr's asking for it" 
and i told them it's J's turn today and he's responsible for it, not me. someone said J's sleeping in his room. does that even make it my problem? but because everybody kindda turned me with hopes that would save everyone that day, i ran to the dental building immediately and got the attendance myself. 
i did ask for help, accompanying me to the dental building, everyone refused. well, i don't blame them. but i felt so much like a fool, like everyone's using me. 
they sat in their places, not moving at all once they knew i snapped the pictures with my camera. did i say anything about sharing them with you? did you ask for me to snap them? NO! you just assumed i would, like i always did. 
hat nerves does this J boy have, calling me in the lab, with me furious about everything, asking if i could sign the attendance for him? i told him right away that he had spoiled my mood, and i deserve an apology. even then, he didn't apologize. i didn't ask much from you. i covered for you, don't i get anything from it?

i know i'm fussing about some silly attendance, but it hurts so much knowing that people are using you for their own benefits. now i wonder do they even take me as a friend. or am i some kind of joke to them. 

confession

i have too many things on my mind right now. let me spit it out all here...

1- i fell for a guy a few weeks back. his aviator shades & uniform got me head over heels. turned out he's younger than i by one year. BUMMER
2- i stopped talking to her. and i think that's best for us. she seemed to have moved on from what we used to have a year before. things change i guess. people change. i just have to not have any bad feelings for this kindda crap and move on with life.
3- i realized i'm getting more and more uncomfortable with guys i used to like. now, whenever i see them, i either curse them or myself for allowing us to cross path. i know it's silly and stupid. i guess something's wrong with my inner me. 
4- i left a meeting when it just begun to answer my sister's phone call and by the time i got back the meeting almost ended. and when the leader asked if we're done, and if we should leave, i was the only one who responded by saying YES. well, it wasn't a loud YESSS, but because everyone else was silent, you can only hear my voice. i buried my face in the carpet and still i could feel the boys looking at me. OPPSSS
5- Alhamdulillah, my miss, who was mad at me a few months back because i kindda told her wearing coloured contact lenses is wrong, had responded to me-nicely. she asked me how am i doing on Facebook.
6- i snapped too many controversial pictures in one night. i had pictures with all of the boys in my class-just the two of us. i know it's kindda wrong, but it's a one time thing, and i will never get the chance again. i know i'm just making excuses...
7- i feel like he's running away from me, and this is not the first time he did. have i changed? or did i say anything that hurt your feelings before? i wish you would stop running away and be comfortable around me. well, i snapped the picture of us so that you wouldn't feel so left out. i want you to know that you're my friend and you will forever be. no matter what happen, i'll stand by you. please, just stop running.
8- my sister hung up on me. and i am certainly pissed.
9- i won lucky draw. haha...my number was 123. all credits to kak wahida for giving me the number. i could feel my knees shaking like crazy, i felt like i was going to fall off the stairs. thank god nothing happened. but i was still shaking, even after i sat down at my table. hehe...thanks, kak faezah for calming me down.

Saat Aku Terima Nikahnya

first of all, i realized how must dust have collected on my blog. i've been busy and i just can't seem to find any topics to write about. but i hope i would be given the opportunity to keep on writing & sharing stuff i know with you readers. *bajet banyak readers la nie? haha*

'Saat Aku Terima Nikahnya'. fuyohh, tajuk entri!! ema dah kahwin ke nie? eh, tak. ema still single. ema kebetulan hadirkan diri ke satu majlis ilmu yng ringkas yang bincang pasal tajuk di atas. Ustaz Ahmad Siddiqi  bagi talk nie. 

Ustaz start talk nie dengan bagi definisi nikah. 

Nikah ialah akad yang menghalalkan persetubuhan antara lelaki dan perempuan 

lelaki & perempuan yang nak menikah tu mestilah betul2 lelaki & perempuan dan x ada sifat2 yang meragukan berkenaan jantina diorang. 

Tujuan di sebalik pernikahan ialah:
1- meneruskan keturunan
~berkahwin waktu belajar dalam keadaan masih belum bekerja boleh. tapi kita ikut balik hukum2 kahwin. ada 5 hukum kesemuanya, WAJIB, MAKRUH, SUNAT, HARUS dan HARAM
kalau korang dah x ingat, ema boleh explain nanti.

2- menghilangkan nafsu syahwat (zina mata & zina faraj)
~ pasal zina mata, ustaz tu cakap, kalau dah nampak benda tu salah atau x appropriate, jangan tengok dah. cepat2 alihkan pandangan.
~ zina faraj di sini bukan hanya merujuk kepada wanita (sebab term faraj), tapi ia merujuk kepada lelaki & perempuan.

3- menambahkan perasaan sayang tetrhadap Allah
~ kombinasi kasih sayang antara suam dan isteri membawa kepada tambahnya sayang kepada Allah. contohnya, sama2 beribadat. kasih sayang antara suami isteri akan bertambah, and at the same time, boleh menambahkan keimanan kepada Allah sebab sembahyang berjemaah. some sort laa.. 

antara persoalan-persoalan yang diketengahkan oleh ustaz sepanjang program.
1- kalau kita kahwin dalam keadaan hidup kita x seberapa, insyaAllah kita akan dapat rezeki daripada Allah.
2- akad nikah dalam masjid bukan sunnah Rasulullah
3- adab membatalkan air sembahyang merupakan adat Jawa
4- pemakaian gaun kahwin & bunga merupakan ikutan agama lain seperti Kristian
5- pengantin makan makanan lain daripada tetamu adalah satu benda yang salah. semua orang patut makan makanan yang sama
6- cara untuk mengelak diri daripada zina bukanlah dengan berkahwin. ini konsep yang salah. untuk elakkan zina, kita sepatutnya mendekatkan diri dengan Allah.
7- bercinta sebelum kahwin adalah tidak salah. walaupun Islam x pernah kata cinta sebelum kahwin adalah salah (x dak ayat dalam Quran yang melarang hubungan cinta sebelum kahwin) tapi kita kena ikut medium yang betul. kalau betul kita dah suka dengan orang tu, lamarlah dia. lamar dengan cara yang baik. jangan pulak terus hantar rombongan ke rumah pihak perempuan. jumpa dengan ayah kepada gadis tu dulu. kalau segan nak jumpa kat rumah sebab takut orang kampung cakap apa2, jumpa dekat restoran atau kedai makan dengan ayah pompuan tu. cakap baik2. insyaAllah, ayah pompuan tu akan consider untuk bagi kahwin atau x. kalau x kahwin pun, at least maybe diorang ada plans untuk korang dua orang.
8- sanding masa kahwin, apa hukumnya? kalau duduk bersanding atas pelamin dengan tujuan menangkap gambar, boleh, x salah. yang jadi salah ialah adat merenjis air dunno what and the beras2 stuff. yang tu yang salah. 

sekian, Wassalam.

caN I HATE HER?

this post is also another part of my 'jiwa kacau' moments. i just can't accept the fact that Mr Brown (Chris Brown) would choose this lady over Karrueche Tran, his girlfriend of almost a year. i know that Rihanna & him have something KT doesn't but KT is so laid back, relaxed and not overdo anything at all. she had been patient, following Brown wherever he went, letting him par-ty with so many Vegas chicks and yet not fuss even the slightest. and yet, he's choosing Rihanna. Oh God!
i know some of you would say something like this, 
'this has nothing to do with you, ema. let them be with whoever they wanna be. why do you care?'
i care because i've watched these two people fall in love, so sweet that i thought for a second Brown would appreciate KT. but i was wrong. but that doesn't mean i would stop supporting Brown. well, supporting here means nothing but in the aspect of music. 
KT, live life to the fullest babe!

hiburan dalam islam

entry kali nie lebih menginsafkan. *hahaa...ayat x boleh blah!* sebabnya, kalau korang perasan, the past few entries lebih kepada diri ema yang memberontak, ema yang lost dalam life ema sendiri. nak cerita pasal artis nie la, yang tu la...so, kali nie, ema nak kongsi information on something interesting, some short pengisian in my surau.

tajuk pengisian sangat menarik, 'Hiburan Dalam Islam'.

too bad, i went late, sbb nk makan dinner dulu. so, ema just nak kongsi benda2 yang ema sempat dengar je la ek?

1- haram sesuatu aktiviti yang mempunyai content yang bertentangan dengan Islam.
*x boleh main Solitaire, Free Cell, Poker whatever coz kindda menyerupai judi, walaupun kita x mempertaruhkan apa2, and kita sekadar main dengan computer*
*x boleh main game lawan2 where we become the American armies and killing any avatar yang kebetulan pakai kopiah. this is also haraam*

2- artis2 yang nak berhibur atau menhiburkan hati anybody perlulah labuhkan tudungnya menutupi dada. 
*sekadar garisan atau panduan dalam etika untuk berhibur dalam Islam*

~bet you guys would say, "so we girls boleh nyanyi la? asalkan pakai pakaian menutup aurat?" 
and here's the answer to the doubt above.

3- haraam untuk kita wanita memerdukan suara kepada kaum lelaki. (got it??)
*kalau cakap telefon dengan lelaki, janganlah merdukan suara sebab kelemahan lelaki adalah suara wanita. kita boleh goyahkan iman diorang*
(kita semua nak laki yang alim, kuat, yang boleh jadi imam untuk kita, so why not we give them a chance to do so, dengan syarat, kita x 'melemahkan' iman diorang sendiri)~ayat sendiri

4- jaga waktu solat
*kalau nak tengok program2 TV, rancangan realiti, perlawanan bola sepak, boleh. just that kita kena disiplinkan diri kita untuk solat di awal waktu, if possible.
(for example, we have some reality TV shows which airs at 8 pm and end at about 12-12.30 am. kita jangan lah pulak, sebab x nak miss performance one of the candidates, kita pulak yang x bergerak daripada skrin TV. konon2 nak sembahyang when the show ends, salah la tu. ini bukan cara Islam bagitau kat kita)~ayat sendiri jugak. nasihat untuk diri jugak. rasa pedas tetiba. 

and the pengisian ended. and i asked a question.

"kalau kita join aerobics (boys & girls separated), and the songs played during the activity are usually songs that are not Islam-related. we have all kinds of genre-Malay, American, Korean and even Hindustani songs played. apa hukum kita berada dalam aktiviti tersebut, sedangkan lagu2 yang dimainkan melalaikan dan boleh bawa kita jauh daripada mengingati Allah? haraam jugak ke?"
~coz i've read 'somewhere' in a novel where the author gave a situation where the girls were involved in activities involving modern songs, and some of the girls prayed in their hearts for Allah to forgive their sins, coz for the whole time they were in the activity, they've forgot about Allah. and they even performed the solah taubah in the middle of the night, seeking his forgiveness, for the sins they did in the evening~

and what did the ustaz answered?
"aerobics tu aktiviti yang sihat atau x? sihat kan? x salah kalau kita nak mainkan lagu2 rancak, yang moden untuk meggerakkan aktiviti tersebut. cuba bayangkan kalau kita mainkan lagu Opick, * both his hands were in the air* macam mana nak teruskan nie? rasa insaf tetiba, silap2 ada yang menangis sambil aerobik. *people laughing* so, x salah la. x jatuh hukum haraam pun.
sama jugak kalau kita tengah bawak kereta sorang2, tengah2 malam, kita tengah mengantuk. x salah kalau kita bukak radio untuk dengar lagu2 yang rock sikit, supaya kita pun alert dengan pemanduan kita. bayangkan kamu dengar lagu2 rock, mesti kalmu pun akan BOOM, BOOM, BOOM dengan musik yang kamu dengar kan? so, x haraam. boleh dalam Islam"

and there was one more question which caught my attention.
"ustaz, kalau kita tengok program2 Ustazah Pilihan, Imam Muda yang disiarkan, para peserta akan mekap2, x salah ka ustaz?"

and this is what the ustaz answered.
"memang la saya x nafikan para peserta dalam Ustazah Pilihan pakai blusher, pakai bedak compact, tapi kita tengok pula tujuan program tu disiarkan. sedikit sebanyak, kita pun akan tau pasal Islam. mekap yang peserta tu pakai adalah sebahagian daripada penjagaan imej diri. x salah."

and the programme really ends this time. hehe...