relationships?

Assalamualaikum

today,i am going out of my comfort zone, talking about relationships.

am i in a relationship? no.

so why bother? a lot of things came up. need to express myself perhaps. *giggle nervously*

okay, here's my idea of an ideal healthy relationship.

- parents approval is utmost important
- honesty comes in handy all the time
- the other half not too clingy
- he is stable? (financially, emotionally)
- a family person

Unfortunately for me, i have developed a barrier around me, where every corny scenes i watch i the drama or movies is just too corny and will not work with me. gotta try harder, mate.

i watched movies where guys would hint that they like the girl and the girl would go Ga-Ga over the guy.
that's not me. i went bombarding the guy with too many questions.

scenes of men buying food specially for the girl and presents the food in front of her, expecting her to feel loved and finally falling for the guy?
i declined the food and offered it to someone else.

you know in the movies where the girl would have trouble carrying heavy stuff and the guy would come running, helping the girl?
i pretended i was strong and carried the heavy box myself, until my aunt asked help from a guy nearby. i just don't like giving up.

texting back and forth about nothing until late into the night?
i just doze off without informing. sorry, sleep in more important.

asking if i have eaten or prayed or farted several times a day?
i ignored all of the questions. sorry, none of your business?

oh God. 
something is wrong with me.

yes.

i don't believe in all these.

i don't know if i have the patience to even go through all of the above, with me knowing i'm not ready for a relationship. 

i broke it off, came clean and prayed a lot to God. 

a friend told me to pray. if he's the one, he'll come rolling. if he's not, he'll be far far away.

problem is....

when you have been through all of the above (or maybe a little of the above) in a short period of time, it becomes an addiction. you wanna text or say something, just to keep it going. hoping everything would go away and things would remain at a friendship level.

however, i do realize not everyone is like me, at a pace where i am not seeking any form of relationship, i just need a friend. 

i realize that there are people who is only interested in becoming friends, only if they know there's a possibility of the relationship to bloom or take the next stage. 

i am okay with that.

remember the criteria of my ideal healthy relationship? honesty.

as long as you're honest, insyaAllah, you'll be okay. 

think of it this way:

are you more willing to hurt someone's feeling before anything goes further, or would you rather break his heart after giving him so much hope?

the choice is yours.

my last piece of advice (not really my advice, it's a friends'), if you're in the same dilemma as me, pray. pray. pray. 
seek His forgiveness. beg Him for His mercy.

Before i bid my goodbye, no, i'm not some hot stuff in the family. please, i'm nothing close to being HOT.

Wassalam.