My Mr Zorro

who is my Mr Zorro?

when i was younger (in my undergraduate years) i would wish Mr Zorro was there on the field, waiting for me, on his black horse, ready to pick me up for a ride, while i cried on his shoulders if i was sad or scream my lungs out if i was angry. no matter what, he would be there to comfort me. 

the reason him being a Zorro is because he is a mystery, i do not know who he was, nor his looks. 
but i know he is caring and that he loves me.

somehow, by the end of my 3rd year, i kindda forgot about him. entirely. i don't know where he went, or why didn't i reach out for him. he stopped visiting me in my dreams too. 
maybe i had enough support from my friends, that i didn't need to run into his arms when i needed him most.

now, i am 25 years old. (oh gosh, i feel so old!) reading my old blog entries, i realized i totally forgot about him. and i wrote about him quite a lot, but then what happened?

i grew up?

LOL.

i did blog about marriages, husbands, relationships...but i recalled of me writing an entry of the characteristics i look for in a man i'll call my husband. but i can't find it.

i don't think much has changed. i stand by what i say...even until today.

so, here goes.

1. i don't have specifics on how he should look like. but i would like his to have a nice face. when people look at him, they can't help but smile. yeah, that's the face i'm looking for. 

2. tall. he should be tall. because i am short. i want my kids to be tall. hahha...talking about genes and inheritance. how tall? hmm...when i stand by him, i should be at his shoulders, so...around 5' 10"? one more thing is that i would like to wear a 4 inch heels on the wedding day, so he still has to be taller than me, even with heels. 

3. physique: don't mind if he's fit or slightly chubby. i used to long for a muscled man, like Randy Orton. but then i realized, what if he's a gym freak? then, i cannot enjoy food around him. i have to eat healthy. then we'd bicker a lot. sigh.
then i also liked the idea of a chubby husband, then i would look thinner and smaller around him. and i get warm hugs. hehe...

4. job: steady job. as long as he's working, i'm okay with it.
i don't demand him to be an engineer, doctor or architect. i'm pretty much okay with anything, even a clerk. insyaAllah i'm okay. 
but i am a dentist, why would i wanna marry a clerk?
it's not that i wanna marry a clerk. i'm saying that i don't demand for him to be working with a 3k salary every month. i don't mind if he earns lesser than me.
as long as he can provide for me, and willing to strive and work harder for the both of us.
and he would accept me as his wife, even though i earn more than him, he's okay with it.
and when people (relatives) ask about his occupation, i don't want him to be intimidated with their questions. truthfully, i would back him up. i'm pretty sure i would. i promise i would.
but he needs to understand all of the circumstances before we agree to get married (if he really earns lesser than me)
if he earns more, Alhamdulillah.
P/S: my dad earned lesser than my mum when they got married. and a lot of people looked down on my dad. but my grandpa and mum backed him up, saying he's hardworking and a good guy. *choking up* so, what's the matter? my dad turned up to be a businessman 10 years down the road. and he supported my mum and three kids. Alhamdulillah.
P P/S: can't believe i'm tearing up. i'm emotionally wrecked.

5. house: i used to set my dreams big, he has to own a house for the both of us to live in. but looking at the current situation now, i'm kindda okay if we have to go through hardship earlier in the marriage. like, living in a rented place while looking for an apartment for long term plan. 
but if he has bought a unit for us, that's a bonus.
what about living with his parents? i'm not sure.
maybe i would, maybe i wouldn't. can't really decide on it yet. 

6. transport: whether he owns a car or a motorbike, i am grateful either way. as long as we have a transport. hahah...
i don't really look at brand, i don't know about it. as long as we can get to a place safely, that's good enough for me.

7. personal traits: funny, respectful to elders, willing to accept my brother as his own, responsible, hardworking, easy to talk to, family oriented person.
handy around the house, if the light doesn't work, he has some knowledge in changing them, if the sink goes crazy, he's willing to check the pipes and fix it (need to try first before we call the plumber). these are the traits that my dad has, and i wish he has it too. 
loves music and movies. please, if he hates music, i'm sorry i can't go on. coz i'm a music freak. 
i even thought of him presenting me a mixtape for our engagement or wedding. it's a little present for me. just like the old school western culture.
loves animals, i really really wish we could adopt a black cat and name it Toothless (just like Toothless from How To Train Your Dragon). we would have it until we have kids of our own, and the cat would become part of our lives. yay! insyaAllah. (why am i obsessed with the cat? because i can't have it in my own home, so i am dreading for it) 
what if he doesn't like cats? bummer! 
what about a pet rabbit? i just need something that i can pat and put on my lap while i watch a movie or read a book. 
hmm...what else? 
i think that's pretty much it.

8. bonus trait 1: could sing and dance. 
wouldn't it be nice if he was crazy enough to dedicate me a song on our wedding day?

bonus trait 2: knows how to play a musical instrument.
too bad i can't play anything besides the flute. and the last time i blew a flute was in primary school. 
it'd be romantic if he could strum a few chords when he's bored at home, singing his favourite songs, even teach me how to play on the weekends. *snap out of it, emma!*

okay sorry, i got too carried away. 

basically these are the things i look for in my husband, my Mr Zorro. 

wherever you are, know that i will wait for you, insyaAllah. 

and may i get to meet you someday, and you pick me up on your horse, and we ride in the middle of the night, to our own adventure.

am i ready for marriage?

Assalamualaikum readers.

this entry was a suggestion from my English teacher Miss A when i was studying as an undergraduate. i told her my dilemma and she asked me to write an entry on this topic.

so here goes.

i am not sure if i am ready for marriage.

i am definitely ready for the brighter sides of a marriage:

1. trying on wedding clothes
2. checking out the door gifts
3. seating arrangements for the wedding
4. getting to know my in laws and the family
5. snapping funny crazy pictures on the stage during the wedding, outdoor photoshoots with crazy props

6. honeymoon (if only we have enough money for a holiday)
7. all the cute together stuff: eating together, waking up net to each other, travelling together
8. talking to him on the phone (if he's away) for hours
9. baby talks maybe 2 years down the road

however, i am not too sure i'm ready for the sour, bitter, yucky parts of a marriage:

1. stress of the wedding itself (i don't wanna be gaining weight during my wedding!)
2. living together, sharing personal stuff
3.  houseworks (cleaning, cooking, scrubbing the toilet floors...the list just goes on and on)

4. all of the what ifs (what if he hates the way i twist and turn on the bed, what if i snored, what if he hates me waking up late in the mornings)

i know we can never control the what ifs, but my mind can't wrap the idea. im sorry, i am an overthinker. even after explaining to the other half your routine for the entire day, all your bad habits during the get-to-know phase, i don't think either one will be able to accept until you live with each other.

you may tell your partner that you are a deep sleeper, love to sleep on the right side of the bed, and the guy accepts you for whatever, and then he prepares himself mentally to get in bed with you. the next day, he woke up, learning that you snore in your sleep and that you kick and punch the whatever in your way when you're having a terrible nightmare.

living with a person is a learning process. you can never REALLY know a person until you've lived with the person. 

so, what do you do after you found out there's so many things you found DIFFICULT to tolerate? 

ditch the marriage and head for a divorce?

tolerate it? but for how long?

see...all of these questions make me wonder if i am ready for marriage. (truthfully, i don't think a person can EVER be ready for marriage)

because you don't know what to expect from it. 

it's something scary.

just like your first day on school. first UPSR, PMR and SPM.

first job interview. first day of work.

first date. eh?

you...ermm...i...will forever have doubts, because i don't know how will it turn out. but does that mean i should forever question this and that, and stay in this position forever-not knowing where to go, because i'm too afraid?

that's why in Islam, we have the concept of tawakkal (putting effort and try your best) and leave the outcomes to Him. 

i guess, no. 

i know i should just try my best to look (if i find him, if that's the case. what's up with the ifs? oh help!) try to work something out (whatever that may be) and then leave it all to Him. for He is the best planner and He The All Knowing.

as a Muslim, i trust in His plannings, good or bad, i will accept it. insyaAllah. 

so, what's my conclusion?

am i ready for marriage?

*inhales*

insyaAllah.

Rants...Part 2

Assalamualaikum, readers.

I've been browsing through my list of entries and found out one entry where i rant. (click here to get the scoop)

and i was laughing at how upset i was at the time. 

being the second child is always difficult. my parents didnt bring me EVERYWHERE to show me off when i was growing up, so they only remember my older sister. i've been overshadowed for years...oh God.

and now, Alhamdulillah, I would like to give myself a pat on the back for all my efforts...

one of my second cousins, he became my best friend. how did this happen?
let's call him Mr A. 

Mr A and i got connected through Facebook. my cousins added him and so i thought there wasn't any harm in doing so. i was 17 then. 

we just finished SPM and then shortly after, i got his number. i don't quite remember how i got his number, but then we started texting after his grandmother passed away. we were both 19 i suppose.

he was going through a rough time because he lived with her in the same house and when she passed, the house was a wreck. and since he grew up in the house, people expected him to rise to the occasion. he didn't sleep the entire night because people were constantly coming over and couldn't find the house. so he had to guide them.

i remembered advising him to take a short nap and ask someone to cover for him, but he said he couldn't trust anyone else and that nobody would even offer to take his place. i was up all night, studying for my finals and yet texting him, letting him know that i am here for him.

since then, whenever i went over to visit his family, he would approach me to talk. simple talk. stupid discussions over nothing. we bicker and fight. and he would constantly try to chase me around, just to have a conversation.

he was the ugly duckling of the family. people look down on him because of his petite physique and low self confidence. but when i talk to him, he's nothing like that. he speak with confidence and would voice out his opinions like nothing else matter.

and his aunt would get jealous. (im not making this up. it's true) she wondered why i would speak to him, instead of her son. 

thinking about it makes me laugh. 

that time, we both looked at him and just pretended he wasnt there. and continued talking.

he knows my secrets, things i never told others and i knew his. we were really friends, not cousins.
and it feels good to have that bond with someone, funny how we were cousins for 18 years and didn't connect, but in over 6 years, we were like besties.

when he got sick, we were constantly texting each other back and forth, almost on a daily basis. 
he told me everything from him throwing up on the bed, to the colour of his urine and how the nurses treated him. 

i knew everything.

though he didn't tell me what was the diagnosis, he somehow gave me lots of clues to what it was.

he shared with me his fears, and i hope i supported him through his final days.

he finally gave up on March 10th 2016. 

i miss everything about him. but i know God has better plans for the both of us. insyaAllah.

i'm glad to have known this man for the past 6 years. i don't regret anything that has happened between us. 

quantity does not matter. quality of the relationship matters.

you may know 1000 people in life, but what's the point of knowing them without having a relationship, a bond with them?

Appreciate those people you know who cherish you and make more friends, yes. but create special bonds along the way. let them recognize you as a special person and not just another face in the family. 

Wassalam.

secret to a long lasting marriage

Assalamualaikum readers.

oh, wait, what?

am i married? No.
How would i know that? Well....

I have been stuck on a TV series "Married at First Sight" for three seasons now, and i've learnt quite a lot from the experts.

The experts

Basically this is an experiment conducted by 4 experts: a sociologist, psychologist, sexologist and spiritual advisor.
They look for singles from all over the country and conduct a thorough series of interviews and background checks as well as detailed questionnaires to find the perfect or most compatible match for the contestants.

out of the thousands of entries, only 6 were chosen and matched.

they will not know anything about the significant other, not even their name, until the day of the wedding. and they will have to stay married for 8 weeks, which includes first night of the marriage, honeymoon, moving in (either to a new place or settle in each others place) and meet the in laws or family. after that, they will decide if they would like to stay married, or get a divorce.

i've watched 3 seasons now. so, i got a better understanding of what marriage is, or at least what it should be like.

Lesson 1: Physical Attraction

you may not be attracted to the guy/girl at first sight. he/she may be too dark or light for your liking, too tall, too skinny, too bald or too whatever. bottomline is, he/she is not attractive.
don't worry.
attraction grows with time.

don't be too quick to judge the other person. what if he/she is super kind hearted and loving and understanding? these qualities definitely overshadows how he/she physically look.

be open. give the other person a chance to prove themselves.

talk to them, maybe you have more in common than you think.

Lesson 2: The First Night

everybody thinks the first night needs to be the night you consummate your marriage. it depends.
if you don't feel ready or don't feel well, you don't have to.

also, as a Muslim, if the wife is having her menses, the husband is forbidden from it. it is sinful.

Lesson 3: Engage in Activities during Honeymoon

If you're lucky and blessed with a honeymoon trip, go out, enjoy the trip with your spouse. get to know what kind of activities he/she loves to do. even if you hate them, just give it a shot.
show the other person that you're trying to impress and share the memories with them.
But if you can't swim and he wants to dive, then maybe just give him some moral support and wiat in the boat for him.

And maybe address your partner of your fears, so that you both can meet somewhere in the middle.

Lesson 4: Staying Together after Marriage

Sometimes, a couple takes some time to figure out where they will settle down after marriage.
you'd have to figure out how to cope with your workplace and the distance from the house, how much you both would spend on gas or public transport and so on.

some people wouldn't mind living with their parents or roomates, living like before they were married, and this is not recommended by the experts.
they say that a married couple should start anew. you get a house and turn it into a home. a home both of you would live in.

and you BOTH have to lie in the house.

no such thing as a timeout, for you to pack up your stuff and runaway for a short vacay or break to your old place or your parents.
NO!

even if you went through a bitter argument with your partner, you are required to sleep in the same house at the end of the night.
the experts say that it will show each other that you have commitment. that you have committed in this sacred bond and will not leave each other come hell or whatever.

i know it's hard to imagine looking at your partner's face after an argument, let alone sleeping on the same bed. but somehow these experts believe that it will help in the marriage.

plus, living in the same house provides intimacy between the two of you. you get to share a space with each other and these will all lead to intimacy.

Lesson 5: Finances

apparently, you'll have to discuss right away after the first week of marriage about your salaries, how will you divide the expenses, how to save up money and so on.

there might be conflicts here, because you will find out who's the spender and who's the stingy one. and how to manage two accounts and merge them into one.

i'm not too good on finance myself, but well, once you're married, you'll have to make it work. because you'll have to save up for the future: buying a new car, a new house, expenses for the holidays, future vacations, childrens?

the conflicts that i've seen in these couples are that the women are mostly independent and have been paying their bills and feel that the men shouldn't be paying for them.

and also some of them believe that men have to be the dominant one, paying up the bills and the women are supposed to chill and save up.

again, it depends on the discussion you two will have to sit down and talk about.

it will be tough, but it's for the best.

Lesson 6: Little Things Goes A Longgg Wayyyyyy

don't think that after marriage, everything is a smooth sailing.

YOU need to spice up the sparks of romance between the two of you. simple acts like treating your spouse out to dinner, buying him/her gifts, go to a cinema.

but if you're too stingy, then there are other ways to make this work.

making her a note that you miss him/her, back massages, foot massages, cooking dinner...anything.

every once in a while, you need to surprise each other, so that the other person know that you are trying to make this work, as much as they are. and also, they would feel appreciated....and loved.

Lesson 7: Communicate

marriage isn't a smooth sailing. there'll be rocky roads, stormy waves and rainy days.

you may bicker, argue and fight. have disagreements.

talk with each other. voice out your opinions. if you disagree with the other, find a common ground. or speak your mind. but speak respectfully.

i would like to pull out a few examples from the three seasons i've watched.

Jason and Courtney (from Season 1 USA) have very tight schedules where they could hardly meet with each other. so, i order to make ends meet, she came up with a system: write each others schedules on a whiteboard so that they both could see when and how could they arrange their dates and timing to spend quality time.

She sat next to him and started drawing the tables, filling in the blanks with different coloured markers and before they knew it, they were in sync.

Jaclyn and Ryan (from Season 2 USA) were two different people from the start. she didn't feel like she was attracted to him. she treated him like a friend, buddy, brother, instead of a husband. and he went on with it even though he felt he didn't like it one bit.

Somehow, after some time of him sticking by her side, she opened up to him and things went on better. he finally told her he didn't like her calling him bro, and also he did't like the fact that she insisted on paying for their groceries because he felt he was the man. and that it's the husband's job to pay the bills. yes they did bicker in front of the cashier, but she finally learnt that she should take a step back.

Ashley and David (from Season 3 USA) was a very sad pairing. she has difficulties letting new people in and so she keeps her feelings bottled up. she finds it hard to even speak her mind, let alone speaking in general. she was a very quiet person.

he was very vocal, but patient person. he suggested her to write things down so that it'd be better for her. this was indeed a good method to try, but she was just so guarded that even this method didn't work for her.

so, basically, you need to let your partner know how you feel at a point. some people don't like you to bottle up old feelings and then just explode pointing at the things you did yesterday, last week or last month, because they would feel ambushed and cornered.

if the environment is okay, then maybe you should just speak and let them know right there and then about how you feel. if that's too much to ask, maybe have a pillowtalk, right before you go to bed, just confront the other in a positive way. just let them know you didn't like whatever that has been said, or done and you wished it wouldn't happen again.

Also, if you are being apart, give each other a quick text, call or video chat of you are living far apart. it shows that you care and miss the other person. this will also show how much you miss your spouse and will also make the bond stronger between you two.

Lesson 8: Be Vulnerable

it's hard being vulnerable to the other party. but remember, you are married.

it doesn't mean that you're weak when you break down some walls and show the side to your significant other. it shows that you care and willing to share.

and it gives some degree of respect from the significant other since this is not an easy thing to do.

share something in the past about yourself, some dark and sad stories about yourself, what made you stronger today, what memories you cherished with the person you've lost...

your spouse would stand by your side and console you, build you up, share the pain and move on with you in his/her hand.

that is how you build a stronger bond of intimacy.

however, from the standpoint of a Muslim, i think i should also provide my own opinions.

# 1 : Pray to Allah for His Guidance

we are His creations and we have no idea what to expect in marriage. He knows.
seek His guidance and keep on praying that He leads us to a better person, to guide our spouse to be a better person too. that we can build a safe and religious environment in our home and practice in our lifestyle.

#2 : Be Patient

no matter what happens in the marriage, always be patient. don't just jump onto your spouse.
say zikrullah if possible. stay calm. breathe.
again, pray and seek His forgiveness and guidance.

#3 : Respect the Elders

be it your parents or in-laws, or just some random relatives. always be respectful of the elders. (i know i would get pissed if they say something hurtful in front of me, but just smile politely) 

i have been confronted in crazy situations before and i have been speaking my mind ever since. you should stand up for what you believe, but somehow, when i was dealing with my sister's in laws' relatives, i did bite my tongue all the time.

yes, i was hurt that day, even now. but what could i do? 
she's part of the family and i will forever be running into the family.

well, i believe in karma. 

in the meantime, just prove to the person and the entire world that you are a great person. you are not what they think you are. that despite everything that has been done, you show them good example. that your parents didn't raise you to be poorly behaved.
then someday, they will realize that they made a mistake.

plus, having the blessings of an elder is some sort of a prayer. for them to even think about us in a nice way, is a prayer sent on us, that we live happily and healthily. 

so, i guess that's pretty much it. 

if you have any other advice to give, please drop a comment. 

maybe i could learn something new.

wassalam.

movie review: The Purge series

Assalamualaikum readers

today i would like to change the tune of my post. since lately all i have been discussing about is relationship and where i stand.

I watched these three movies over a period of 3 months i believe. something in me wanted so badly to watch these movies, just to see how sick the movie was.

The Purge (2013)

The world is ahead by a few years somewhere in 2020s where America is the leading country with annual crime rate of 1-3%. So how does America reach such a low annual crime rate?

There was an annual purge, where on this particular day, you are allowed to kill anyone you like, commit a crime and you will not be hold accounted for. There will be no police, hospitals or fire departments for a whole 24 hours. The entire country will be on shut down mode, basically.

People will carry weapons and go on a purge, where they can finally take the frustration for an entire year and lash out of the enemy. There was even a part in the movie where experts voice out their opinions on the pros and cons of the annual purge.

But the sick thing about this movie and its concept is that the people believe that they could cleanse themselves from hatred and sins once they purge. killing the person they hate would make them pure again. they have released all anger and frustration against the person.

At first this concept seemed like a decent concept. you could kill anyone you hate. so that instead of you committing a crime on any other days, and end up going to jail, you could kill someone and get away with it.

But, will you ever feel better? What makes you think you wont feel the rush you felt when you first committed the purge?
What guarantee do you have that you wouldn't take part in the net annual purge, just for fun?
This is where i found myself sick in the stomach.

yes, America is a leading country, could boast up that they have the lowest ever annual crime rate, but what you done to the minds of your citizens?
what are you teaching kids? that they could get away with a crime as long as they act smart-taking part in the annual purge?
and what if the kids grew up resenting their parents for being too strict on them, that they could kill the parents and that's okay?

also, you are teaching kids that no one is to be trusted. that you could only trust yourself.
even if the person is innocent, you cannot save them, because all you think is yourself. you become selfish. even if people are in need, you just close one eye and turn the other way.

i know the world is so crazy right now. nobody is to be trusted.
but to teach children that everyone is evil and bad is't healthy as well.

wait until you watch The Purge: Anarchy. It gets even sicker.

The Purge: Anarchy (2014)

So, the annual purge was a success, where the annual crime rate has lowered even more, about less than 1%. oh wow!

but, this time, the government has establish a team of people, to set their aims on the homeless and poor as victims of the annual purge. so, now, it has nothing to do about killing those you hated or resented your entire life, it's all about numbers.

the government believe that the poor and homeless are the ones pulling the economy down because they are providing money for these people.
what will happen when you wipe them off the streets? you could save up a bunch of money!

see where the sick element lies?

innocent people were hunted just because they couldn't pay taxes or the government just felt like they are a burden. this special organization target certain areas where the poor lived and conduct the purge.
and this special organization consists of people who are really sick in the head. they have no feelings whatsoever. all they know is kill, kill and kill some more.

another part or scene from the movie that was so mind boggling to me is that the rich has raise money for charity or for the organization on the day of the annual purge, where they bid on the victim. and for every successful kill they make, they raise money! what on earth?!!
the ones who would like to participate in the purge will have to pay a certain amount of money (like an entrance fee), and would be given weapons and night vision glasses so that they could hunt the victims down and kill them. and for every kill, the organization raise some more money. 
how could you even put a number or value to what a life costs? even the poor has worth of life. oh, God.

but then, humanity is somehow restored, giving us hope that there's still good people in this hatred world. the man who was saved from The Purge (previous movie) started a new movement, to go against the purge. and they help save the innocent and homeless, and go against the government.

also, the guy who initially planned on purging for his son's death, turned out to just forgive the person who killed the son. He said there isn't any good out of this purge. by killing the man, he will leave the children fatherless and a widow. and so he decided to forgive the man and move on with his life.

and then you'd think we're done with the series. and you're wrong.

There's another movie.

The Purge: Election Year (2016)

this is probably the end of the series. 

it's about two candidates: one who supports the annual purge and the other who goes against violence.

the movie starts off pretty fairly, there aren't much deaths as expected. it was less traumatizing for me. less purging scenes.

but one disturbing scene was a group of school girls who purged by killing their parents first. and it was so disturbing, i couldn't accept the concept. how will she live with her life after this? she was so disturbed mentally.
good thing is she died somewhere in the movie. 

however, another disturbing scene from the movie was the candidate who supports the annual purge used mind games to play with religion. he was able to influence a religious man, we'll call him Brother A (i don't know his position in the church, but i believe he has a high position in the church hierarchy). 
the man brainwashed Brother A by pursuing him to take part in the annual purge, telling him that he could cleanse himself by purging against this poor victim using weapons that were rinsed with Holy water. that scene was so disturbing on so many levels i can't even explain.

i don't wanna get into the religious facts that i know nothing about, so i would recommend you guys to watch it for yourself. 

but this time, there's so much improvements on the humanity aspects.

since there aren't any medical help on the day of the annual purge, there was a team of people who work as volunteers providing medical support for people who need help. they help by temporarily stabilizing the condition until it's safe for these people to seek medical attention first thing the next morning once the purge ends.

the candidate who faught against the annual purge won and it gives hopes that people no more need to hide and feel scared for 12 hours in their house for one day in a year, fearing for their lives. 

so, would i recommend people to watch these movies?

Yes and No

Yes to those who have the gut to watch cruelty take place in front of your eyes for about 1 hour and 40 minutes roughly. 
Yes to those who loves to think critically like i do, think of what the future might look like for the next generations to come.

No to those who would end up puking or traumatized mentally of the thought people killing innocent people just for the sake of taking part of the annual purge.

wassalam.