oh, wait, what?
am i married? No.
How would i know that? Well....
I have been stuck on a TV series "Married at First Sight" for three seasons now, and i've learnt quite a lot from the experts.
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| The experts |
They look for singles from all over the country and conduct a thorough series of interviews and background checks as well as detailed questionnaires to find the perfect or most compatible match for the contestants.
out of the thousands of entries, only 6 were chosen and matched.
they will not know anything about the significant other, not even their name, until the day of the wedding. and they will have to stay married for 8 weeks, which includes first night of the marriage, honeymoon, moving in (either to a new place or settle in each others place) and meet the in laws or family. after that, they will decide if they would like to stay married, or get a divorce.
i've watched 3 seasons now. so, i got a better understanding of what marriage is, or at least what it should be like.
Lesson 1: Physical Attraction
you may not be attracted to the guy/girl at first sight. he/she may be too dark or light for your liking, too tall, too skinny, too bald or too whatever. bottomline is, he/she is not attractive.
don't worry.
attraction grows with time.
don't be too quick to judge the other person. what if he/she is super kind hearted and loving and understanding? these qualities definitely overshadows how he/she physically look.
be open. give the other person a chance to prove themselves.
talk to them, maybe you have more in common than you think.
Lesson 2: The First Night
everybody thinks the first night needs to be the night you consummate your marriage. it depends.
if you don't feel ready or don't feel well, you don't have to.
also, as a Muslim, if the wife is having her menses, the husband is forbidden from it. it is sinful.
Lesson 3: Engage in Activities during HoneymoonIf you're lucky and blessed with a honeymoon trip, go out, enjoy the trip with your spouse. get to know what kind of activities he/she loves to do. even if you hate them, just give it a shot.
show the other person that you're trying to impress and share the memories with them.
But if you can't swim and he wants to dive, then maybe just give him some moral support and wiat in the boat for him.
And maybe address your partner of your fears, so that you both can meet somewhere in the middle.
Lesson 4: Staying Together after Marriage
Sometimes, a couple takes some time to figure out where they will settle down after marriage.
you'd have to figure out how to cope with your workplace and the distance from the house, how much you both would spend on gas or public transport and so on.
some people wouldn't mind living with their parents or roomates, living like before they were married, and this is not recommended by the experts.
they say that a married couple should start anew. you get a house and turn it into a home. a home both of you would live in.
and you BOTH have to lie in the house.
no such thing as a timeout, for you to pack up your stuff and runaway for a short vacay or break to your old place or your parents.
NO!
even if you went through a bitter argument with your partner, you are required to sleep in the same house at the end of the night.
the experts say that it will show each other that you have commitment. that you have committed in this sacred bond and will not leave each other come hell or whatever.
i know it's hard to imagine looking at your partner's face after an argument, let alone sleeping on the same bed. but somehow these experts believe that it will help in the marriage.
plus, living in the same house provides intimacy between the two of you. you get to share a space with each other and these will all lead to intimacy.
Lesson 5: Finances
apparently, you'll have to discuss right away after the first week of marriage about your salaries, how will you divide the expenses, how to save up money and so on.
there might be conflicts here, because you will find out who's the spender and who's the stingy one. and how to manage two accounts and merge them into one.
i'm not too good on finance myself, but well, once you're married, you'll have to make it work. because you'll have to save up for the future: buying a new car, a new house, expenses for the holidays, future vacations, childrens?
the conflicts that i've seen in these couples are that the women are mostly independent and have been paying their bills and feel that the men shouldn't be paying for them.
and also some of them believe that men have to be the dominant one, paying up the bills and the women are supposed to chill and save up.
again, it depends on the discussion you two will have to sit down and talk about.
it will be tough, but it's for the best.
Lesson 6: Little Things Goes A Longgg Wayyyyyydon't think that after marriage, everything is a smooth sailing.
YOU need to spice up the sparks of romance between the two of you. simple acts like treating your spouse out to dinner, buying him/her gifts, go to a cinema.
but if you're too stingy, then there are other ways to make this work.
making her a note that you miss him/her, back massages, foot massages, cooking dinner...anything.
every once in a while, you need to surprise each other, so that the other person know that you are trying to make this work, as much as they are. and also, they would feel appreciated....and loved.
Lesson 7: Communicate
marriage isn't a smooth sailing. there'll be rocky roads, stormy waves and rainy days.
you may bicker, argue and fight. have disagreements.
talk with each other. voice out your opinions. if you disagree with the other, find a common ground. or speak your mind. but speak respectfully.
i would like to pull out a few examples from the three seasons i've watched.
Jason and Courtney (from Season 1 USA) have very tight schedules where they could hardly meet with each other. so, i order to make ends meet, she came up with a system: write each others schedules on a whiteboard so that they both could see when and how could they arrange their dates and timing to spend quality time.
She sat next to him and started drawing the tables, filling in the blanks with different coloured markers and before they knew it, they were in sync.
Jaclyn and Ryan (from Season 2 USA) were two different people from the start. she didn't feel like she was attracted to him. she treated him like a friend, buddy, brother, instead of a husband. and he went on with it even though he felt he didn't like it one bit.
Somehow, after some time of him sticking by her side, she opened up to him and things went on better. he finally told her he didn't like her calling him bro, and also he did't like the fact that she insisted on paying for their groceries because he felt he was the man. and that it's the husband's job to pay the bills. yes they did bicker in front of the cashier, but she finally learnt that she should take a step back.
Ashley and David (from Season 3 USA) was a very sad pairing. she has difficulties letting new people in and so she keeps her feelings bottled up. she finds it hard to even speak her mind, let alone speaking in general. she was a very quiet person.
he was very vocal, but patient person. he suggested her to write things down so that it'd be better for her. this was indeed a good method to try, but she was just so guarded that even this method didn't work for her.
so, basically, you need to let your partner know how you feel at a point. some people don't like you to bottle up old feelings and then just explode pointing at the things you did yesterday, last week or last month, because they would feel ambushed and cornered.
if the environment is okay, then maybe you should just speak and let them know right there and then about how you feel. if that's too much to ask, maybe have a pillowtalk, right before you go to bed, just confront the other in a positive way. just let them know you didn't like whatever that has been said, or done and you wished it wouldn't happen again.
Also, if you are being apart, give each other a quick text, call or video chat of you are living far apart. it shows that you care and miss the other person. this will also show how much you miss your spouse and will also make the bond stronger between you two.
Lesson 8: Be Vulnerable
it's hard being vulnerable to the other party. but remember, you are married.
it doesn't mean that you're weak when you break down some walls and show the side to your significant other. it shows that you care and willing to share.
and it gives some degree of respect from the significant other since this is not an easy thing to do.
share something in the past about yourself, some dark and sad stories about yourself, what made you stronger today, what memories you cherished with the person you've lost...
your spouse would stand by your side and console you, build you up, share the pain and move on with you in his/her hand.
that is how you build a stronger bond of intimacy.
however, from the standpoint of a Muslim, i think i should also provide my own opinions.
# 1 : Pray to Allah for His Guidance
we are His creations and we have no idea what to expect in marriage. He knows.
seek His guidance and keep on praying that He leads us to a better person, to guide our spouse to be a better person too. that we can build a safe and religious environment in our home and practice in our lifestyle.
#2 : Be Patient
no matter what happens in the marriage, always be patient. don't just jump onto your spouse.
say zikrullah if possible. stay calm. breathe.
again, pray and seek His forgiveness and guidance.
#3 : Respect the Elders
be it your parents or in-laws, or just some random relatives. always be respectful of the elders. (i know i would get pissed if they say something hurtful in front of me, but just smile politely)
i have been confronted in crazy situations before and i have been speaking my mind ever since. you should stand up for what you believe, but somehow, when i was dealing with my sister's in laws' relatives, i did bite my tongue all the time.
yes, i was hurt that day, even now. but what could i do?
she's part of the family and i will forever be running into the family.
well, i believe in karma.
in the meantime, just prove to the person and the entire world that you are a great person. you are not what they think you are. that despite everything that has been done, you show them good example. that your parents didn't raise you to be poorly behaved.
then someday, they will realize that they made a mistake.
plus, having the blessings of an elder is some sort of a prayer. for them to even think about us in a nice way, is a prayer sent on us, that we live happily and healthily.
so, i guess that's pretty much it.
if you have any other advice to give, please drop a comment.
maybe i could learn something new.
wassalam.
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