am i ready for marriage?

Assalamualaikum readers.

this entry was a suggestion from my English teacher Miss A when i was studying as an undergraduate. i told her my dilemma and she asked me to write an entry on this topic.

so here goes.

i am not sure if i am ready for marriage.

i am definitely ready for the brighter sides of a marriage:

1. trying on wedding clothes
2. checking out the door gifts
3. seating arrangements for the wedding
4. getting to know my in laws and the family
5. snapping funny crazy pictures on the stage during the wedding, outdoor photoshoots with crazy props

6. honeymoon (if only we have enough money for a holiday)
7. all the cute together stuff: eating together, waking up net to each other, travelling together
8. talking to him on the phone (if he's away) for hours
9. baby talks maybe 2 years down the road

however, i am not too sure i'm ready for the sour, bitter, yucky parts of a marriage:

1. stress of the wedding itself (i don't wanna be gaining weight during my wedding!)
2. living together, sharing personal stuff
3.  houseworks (cleaning, cooking, scrubbing the toilet floors...the list just goes on and on)

4. all of the what ifs (what if he hates the way i twist and turn on the bed, what if i snored, what if he hates me waking up late in the mornings)

i know we can never control the what ifs, but my mind can't wrap the idea. im sorry, i am an overthinker. even after explaining to the other half your routine for the entire day, all your bad habits during the get-to-know phase, i don't think either one will be able to accept until you live with each other.

you may tell your partner that you are a deep sleeper, love to sleep on the right side of the bed, and the guy accepts you for whatever, and then he prepares himself mentally to get in bed with you. the next day, he woke up, learning that you snore in your sleep and that you kick and punch the whatever in your way when you're having a terrible nightmare.

living with a person is a learning process. you can never REALLY know a person until you've lived with the person. 

so, what do you do after you found out there's so many things you found DIFFICULT to tolerate? 

ditch the marriage and head for a divorce?

tolerate it? but for how long?

see...all of these questions make me wonder if i am ready for marriage. (truthfully, i don't think a person can EVER be ready for marriage)

because you don't know what to expect from it. 

it's something scary.

just like your first day on school. first UPSR, PMR and SPM.

first job interview. first day of work.

first date. eh?

you...ermm...i...will forever have doubts, because i don't know how will it turn out. but does that mean i should forever question this and that, and stay in this position forever-not knowing where to go, because i'm too afraid?

that's why in Islam, we have the concept of tawakkal (putting effort and try your best) and leave the outcomes to Him. 

i guess, no. 

i know i should just try my best to look (if i find him, if that's the case. what's up with the ifs? oh help!) try to work something out (whatever that may be) and then leave it all to Him. for He is the best planner and He The All Knowing.

as a Muslim, i trust in His plannings, good or bad, i will accept it. insyaAllah. 

so, what's my conclusion?

am i ready for marriage?

*inhales*

insyaAllah.