Mr Zorro, my plans...and him

Assalamualaikum readers.

it's been a looonnnggggg while since i've updated anything on this blog.

short updates on my life now:
- my sister got married in December last year and i have a new Brother! yayyy!!
- i got a job in Perlis. wehee!!
- my dad is no longer in pain. Alhamdulillah...

what's up with this Zorro crap?

LOL.

Ever since I could ever remember, i fell in love with Zorro, the character, not Antonio Banderas.
Mr Zorro is mysterious, tall, handsome i suppose, strong, a leader and a loving person because he owns a horse. haha...

He is an ordinary man in the day, but a hero at night.
he saves people from their misery, fight for their rights and rides his horse into the pitch black of the night....to who knows where.

and every time i feel like i needed a break, i would wish that Mr Zorro would wait for me downstairs with his horse, mask and sword, where he would take me on a ride, an adventure.

I don't see myself on a shrieking horse, galloping so fast, making sharp turns every now and then, because i would be peeing in my pants, my shawl would get tangled in the branches of trees and i would be screaming so hard, it wouldn't be fun anymore.

I rather see myself pouring my heart out to Mr Zorro, where he would listen, the horse would walk slowly, stop at a fountain or some vast field, where the moonlight is upon me. i would stare at the sky and breathe in the night breeze. i hope it doesn't rain though.

so who's Mr Zorro?
my future husband i suppose.

what has that got to do with my plans?

i went through some unpublished entries earlier and i saw an entry where i asked myself, what if Mr Zorro is a freak? scared of heights or has a phobia for horses?

then he wouldn't be Mr Zorro!

but i actually wrote that i would hold on to the rope myself, as terrified as i may be, and grip onto Mr Zorro with another hand, and we would walk together in unison. i felt it was unfair to let Mr Zorro carry the burden all to himself, so i kindda played Zorro myself.

(still don't get the plans....)

all my life, well, not exactly...

since the topic of my sister's marriage was discussed and brought up in my family, i've always expressed my opinions on what qualities i want in a guy.

1. great smile (that's the first thing i would look at anyhow)
2. tall (because i'm short, haha)
3. steady job (not necessarily a high ranking or all time people's favourite job like doctor, surgeon, engineer or teacher. i don't care if he earns lower than me)
4. awesome personality, funny to be precise (because i love to laugh)
5. non smoker

and that's when point no 3 comes in...him.

i found the guy. not exactly. he was right in front of me, but i never saw him.

and i feel like God is testing me with him. will i fulfill my promise, or will i run away?

so far i'm sticking to my promise, but i don't know how long will this last...

there are a few things that are making me second guess this.

- my mum and sister opposing this
- what my future would look like on my engagement and wedding receptions (because of my mum and sister opposing this in the first place)
- how he would be treated in the future if this goes on. will he be treated differently because he wasn;t my mum's favourite?

i know i think about things too much...but if he were to become my husband, i wouldn't want him to be bullied. or felt like he wasn't good enough for me.

and that's the reason i've been asking him over and over again if he would be okay with this. with me.

and his answer is the same as me.

"as long as you stand by my side, i would be strong"

the same thing i used to plan to tell my future husband. i will back you up no matter what, but i need you to be strong.

and it's easy and light talking about big decisions and important crucial things with him. he doesn't complicate. he eases things. he compromises.

all good qualities i am glad i found in him.

but again, i don't know for sure.

help me, pray for me.

if he's the One, let this thing work and last forever.
if he isn't, may Allah guide us through this chapter and opens up a different chapter for us.

ameen...