i think i know why.

Assalamualaikum, readers. 
first of all, i would like to confess that writing this entry isn't easy. looking for pictures for the entry was even harder, because there was him, acting cute and it brings back a lot of memories...of me, liking him.
to those who have no idea what am i talking about, here's the thing. there's this guy, Pierre Andre, he's a Malaysian, but his granddad is a French, therefore the name. he's an actor, director, writer...and he's a Muslim. i liked him a lot, since i was 15, because his work is clean, fun and exciting. his first appearance was simple, just a guy in the back, nobody noticed him. then, he started writing scripts for movies, and that was when he was acknowledged. i liked him a lot, i followed him on Myspace, watched all his movies, defended him *even though he'll never know* when people made fun of his name, i even dreamt he married me. haha.. 
just a few years back, he took some time off and got down to being a Muslim. he was nowhere in the papers, blogs...he was just 'gone'. after a few months, he posted a few pictures of himself in a 'kopiah' and he had some moustache. that was when EVERYBODY liked him. "wow, Pierre has changed! Alhamdulillah. this is the kind of man i'll love to marry" 
since then, everybody waited for his next move. they followed his updates. Pierre came to Kelantan, to study more about Islam, and got some advices from the ulama' in Kelantan. the ulama' gave him some guidelines on his next project, as Pierre wanted to do a movie that has Islamic values in it and he wished to have all the right elements. 
a few months after that, he was engaged to a lady, who happened to be a part-time model. of course, he was free-haired. the world made accusations on him, saying stuff like, "He has changed right? why would he marry someone who is free-haired?" at one point, i did question his actions, but i pretended not to care. he got married, and i think again, "why her? why not other girls who wear scarf and cover their aurah?" 
that's when i got the answer.
EXPECTATION.
when one has changed for the better, be it a male or a female, there's expectations. imagine this. and i take myself as an example, so that it's easier for you guys to understand. i wear a long tudung now, but i styled it in a different way. say i marry an ustaz. he'd expect me to wake up as early as 5am to do sunnah prayers with him, and not fall asleep after that. maybe after we prayed, there's some time to spare, he'd want to recite the Quran with me. he'd expect me to pray with him (jamaah) for all the prayers. he would expect me not to sing songs that aren't Islamic. maybe we'd listen to IKIM FM, and he expects me to be cool with it. someday, he expects me to wear the actual tudung labuh, wear simple clothes and lay low. coz, that's what a Muslimah is all about.
can i do all this? insyaAllah, but i certainly need time. how long? i don't know. maybe 10 years....maybe more. in this case, if i were to tell the Ustaz *who's going to marry me* that i need 10 years at least to reach his expectations, do you think he'll accept me? 
most probably he won't.
same case with Pierre. if he were to marry an Ustazah, or a lady who has solid background on Islamic views, she'd expect him to guide her, even those she knows most of the stuff already. i guess Pierre would be scared as well. how would you guide someone who had more knowledge than you about religion? 
so, i understand. and i will pray for his happiness. and i hope he'd be able to change for the better in the future. InsyaAllah...

tepuk dada, tanya iman.

Assalamualaikum, semua.
today's entry will be written in Malay, i'm super sorry if you don't understand Malay. but, i will try to summarize the whole entry in English at the end of the entry. insyaAllah...

minggu lepas, riuh dewan kuliah ema dengan budak2 perempuan cakap pasal Fatih Seferagic datang Malaysia. mulanya, ema tanya balik, 'sapa tu?' lepas diorang cakap dia adalah anak muda yang menetap di Amerika dan mempunyai alunan suara yang sedap dan lunak apabila mengalunkan ayat al-Quran, ema teringat. tahun lepas, ema tengok video yang tersebar di Facebook. Fatih menjadi imam, dan mengalunkan ayat-ayat dari surah Maryam. ema ingat sebab ema bukak tafsir dan ikut sekali bacaannya depan laptop, dengan earphones bagai. ema nak check sebenarnya, sejauh mana En Fatih ingat surah Maryam tu. *diri sendiri macam mana? ehem ehem.*
lepas 1st wave kena serang dengan isu Fatih nie, datang pulak 2nd wave, oleh teman-teman yang lebih rapat dengan ema. geng 2nd wave nie adalah geng2 baru kenal siapa si Fatih, dan memuji-muji suaranya. *senyum* ema dah immune walaupun tak ambil sebarang vaksin.
hari ni, terdetik hati untuk baca blog angelwearsgucci, dan entry pertama yang ema baca adalah berkenaan isu ini. *actually, dapat ilham lepas baca entry Inche Gabbana* nie linknya, kalau nak baca la...
untuk mudahkan kerja semua orang, apa yang Inche Gabbana cuba sampaikan dalam entry tersebut ialah bagaimana kaum Hawa yang pakai tudung labuh, ayu, bercakap dengan sopan, tak pandang lelaki, etc. jatuh hati, ter-suka atau mengidolakan En Fatih ni MUNGKIN bukan hanya pada suara lunaknya. ema tak tipu, ema sedia mengaku, Fatih Seferagic nie hensem orangnya. 
ema setuju apa yang Inche Gabbana sampaikan, kalau betullah kita mengaku kita hanya suka pada suara Fatih, bayangkan suaranya dan bila bukak mata, muka yang kita nampak tu bukan Fatih, berkulit hitam, hidung terpenyek, tua, berjanggut...masihkah kita suka padanya? hmmm...tepuk dada tanya iman.
kes2 macam ni memang selalu jadi. kalau lelaki tu tak hensem sangat, kulit gelap sikit, badan gempal, pendek mesti perempuan tak pandang, lagi teruk, nama pun tak tau. tapi kalau yang hensem, tinggi, badan tegap, FUYOHH!! laju je tau nama dia. 
ema pun perempuan, ema tau perasaan perempuan. tak payah nak dalih-dalih sangat la kan dengan ema. ema tak kisah, korang nak mengaku atau tak, cumanya, ema nak bagitau, you can never lie to yourself. 
terima kasih kerana meminjamkan mata anda membaca entry yang tak seberapa ini.

here's the English version of what i've been babbling about.
i was talking about what girls think about Fatih and i believe a girl fell for him not just because of his voice while reciting the Quran, but also for his good looks. 
i referred to an entry by a famous local blogger and he also received some e-mails from other Muslim women saying that some girls went up to Fatih's  accounts and commented on how they would want him to be their husband. as much as these girls claim they want to marry Fatih because of his voice, the blogger and i believe that at some point, they are mesmerized by his looks.
i am not here to say, 'See, you are no different than me!' but rather, i'm here to point out that please don't lie to yourself.
thank you very much for reading.

inspirational songs

seems like most of the popular singers today have been bullied before when they were younger. Bully here is not restricted to being bullied when they were younger, in school, but more like been underestimated and rejected by people all around them.
i remembered the song that led me forward when i was super down facing my final Professional Exam last year, i listened to 'Fighter' by Gym Class Heroes featuring Ryan Tedder. the song reflected on how much people didn't accept them and how they went through all of the hurdles despite what people say and how much failure they faced all along, and yeah, they are the fighter. i remember myself crying to the song, as i questioned myself, 'am i a fighter? do i deserve this title?' with tears rolling down my cheek, i read through my notes. 
a few months ago, i cried again, listening to 'Shattered' by Trading Yesterday. it actually happened when i was watching a video done by some dudes in India or Bangladesh, i'm not sure, but they were promoting on not littering. and in the video, a homeless man was the one who changed another dude's mind to not litter. in the video, everybody looked down at the homeless man, heck, i looked down on him as well. but at the end of the video, i knew i was wrong, and so i cried, i felt bad. i felt bad that i judged him by his shaggy clothes, and yet, he's the real hero.
and tonight, i listened to 'Lose Yourself' by Eminem, and he described how he struggled to be accepted by the society to be the first white rapper, how people laughed at him when he couldn't get the lyrics right. and in the song, he did say, 'You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow, this opportunity comes once in a lifetime yo' 
and i teared up already. this song is so motivational. 

can i...??

can i just go out and walk in the cool breeze of the night right now?
can i just pretend nobody's watching me as i dance around, losing myself?
can i pretend nobody's going to hear me as i scream my lungs out?
can i pretend nobody's going to judge me if i hug Mr Zorro who comes outta nowhere?
can i?

truth is, i can't. i don;t think i would, even if i'm given a choice.

honestly, my brain's too tired of reading Ethnic notes as i have a test tomorrow. 
nothing makes sense, everything about diplomacy and democracy, war...yadda yadda.
i'm sleepy, and when i don;t get whatever i'm reading, i'm singing really loud, so that my mind gets back on the slides, not wandering somewhere else. 
please, help me.

sincerely,
Miss Ema who is losing her mind.

Muslimah-who are you?

Assalamualaikum, readers.
first of all, thanks for supporting my previous post on boycott. i know that the entry was a little harsh and i have no intentions to show off, but i hope you guys get what i meant. 
moving on...this might be another harsh and 'hard' on those who have different opinions than mine. i apologize in advance.
*Bismillahirrahmanirrahim*

Muslimah can wear modern clothes too

do you guys read Malay novels or short stories? i certainly do. truthfully, my first Malay novel i read was in Form 3, besides the literature novel in Form 1. i always question what's so interesting reading a Malay novel, coz at that time, most of my friends were reading Malay romance novels. and to be honest, the first time i read the novel, i didn't have any feelings. most of the novels have the same storyline. 
both hero and heroine must be from royal families, or just the hero. and the heroine is a Muslimah, who wears little make-up and wears baju kurung to work. the hero might be engaged to someone 'modern' in personality. hero seeks heroine for a contract marriage, they live together and fall in love. somewhere in between they will fight, she'd run away, he'll be chasing her. once she gives birth, she accepts him back. the ending setting is always in the balcony where the husband would hug the wife from the back and the end.

when i was 17, i realized i read my first Malay novel written by a male novelist. his storyline was different and the characters in the novel didn't wear scarf, but he never went into detail to their hair length, what clothes were they wearing, tight or loose...he didn't. that was my turning point, i stopped reading novels written by female novelist. 
yesterday, thanks to my runny nose, i had no mood to study and i read a Malay short story, written by someone. *not sure it's a female or male, the pen name is so funny* the person described the heroine as a Muslimah, who is a designer and designs clothes which are according to the syariat. however, she went out with him, just the two of them to a cafe to discuss about his wedding. by right she wouldn't go by herself, she should bring someone to accompany her. i mean, she's meeting a stranger *even though he's her customer*. what if anything were to happen? who's going to save her?

Muslimah would stick to her girlfriends,
but still have guy friends.

even if she's close friends with him, she shouldn't be eating out just the two of them, if she brings her friends along, then it's okay. 
they fell in love and they went over to meet his fiancee' at the cafe, they came together and she sat next to him, even though next to the fiancee' there's an empty seat. to me, i would feel uncomfortable to sit next to a guy if there's an empty seat next to a girl. that's what a Muslimah should do. unless the seat next to the girl is occupied, then sure, you can sit next to the guy.
do you guys see what i see? 
- Muslimah is only to the appearance, her attitude doesn't apply to the word Muslimah
- Muslimah would feel mad and disgusted if she sees a girl wearing revealing dress. a Muslimah would accept everyone coz she knows she's not perfect either.
- Muslimah would go out with a guy, just the two of them out to dinner, without any company
- Muslimah would get involved in a contract marriage even though she knows that's haraam in Islam
*Muslimah is what i see in novels, not a true Muslimah to me*

i hope those who have the mentality of 'Biarlahh...cerita je pun' please, change your mindset. 
thank you.
*if i continue things would get worse*