takut...

you see, the date is drawing closer & closer by the day...
scary coz i'll be at the far end of the country...
i know so many people have made it through...
but you don't understand...
i'm doing something no one have ever done...
people are making fun of me...
they don't understand...they never do...
no matter what, i have to face this...
it's just that there's too much pressure on me...
i have to make my parents proud...
i have to make myself proud...
i know i screwed up big time a few years ago...
that memory will never be forgotten or erased from anybody's mind...
i just have to deal with all those cheap talks behind my back...
i just have to deal with the chilly stares at myself...
i will have to stand my ground, no matter what happens...
but the worst part is that my dad is afraid i will change...
change to a different person...a person whose akidah is rotten...
my grandma is afraid i come home with this huge tudung over my head...
she wants me to be who i am now...
the air is tense around me...
people all around me are changing...those who were once in my shoes...
and when they compare myself & those who are in the shoes i used to be in,
i'm the obvious opposite of who im supposed to be...
people don't believe when i say i once went there to study...
feeling so much pressured...
are they being sarcastic? or are they just being honest?
me have to idea...
some part of me keep saying 'i don't care'...
but to be honest, im hurt...(blinking away tears from my eyes)
it's tough...i know...
no matter what, i have to go through this phase...
i chose to be who i am now...and who i will be...
can't blame anybody i guess...
let them say whatever they wanna say...
i guess my job is to just pray to Him,
beg for His mercy on me...
ask Him to make me a better person in the future...
insya-Allah...