call it what you want

it's easier to advice people on telling people what they feel, but when it's me in their shoes, i can't. instead, i cry to Him. i failed. again.

it's just so hard. things are very simple actually, but knowing how much i love them, despite what they did, i can't. i just can't. i can't just let them know how much their actions are troubling me. i can't let them know how much their actions are disturbing my sleep, my studies, my prayers. i can't.
i can't let them know how much their words hurt me. so spontaneous, yet so sharp, cut me through the core. and there i stand, watching them, with a fake smile on my face. as if whatever they said meant nothing to me, as if i don't mind whatever that's been said to me. how much it hurts, yet they don't see it, they don't feel it.

what if it was me, saying things that are true, yet meant nothing, still they are the ones who make faces, and raise their voices, rolling their eyes...is it still my fault? things that are unrelated to them, and yet they still wanna feel hurt and mad at me. why? why bother? 
they pick on me, on how i eat, how i dress, how i speak and pronounce words, how late i am in catching up with things...and yet, i NEVER raised my voice. why didn't i? i'm not raised that way. i am raised in a way that even if its not your fault, you should be quiet, not pick up fights, coz that's just a waste of time. it's better to let your heart broken than letting someone else's heart broken. that's how i was raised. and i always feel guilty about everything i say after they raise their voices. and i apologize quickly, yet, that's not enough for them.
they still need to say these words, 'Fine, you won!' with their eyes all rolled. do you need to hurt me more?


no matter what they say to me, all i can do is stand there, and accept everything, even though deep inside, only He knows how much those words hurt my little heart. all i can seek for is strength from Him. i will try not to shed any more tears, but if i fail to do so...i'm not weak. call it what you want, but i am strong.