Just go with it!

Assalamualaikum readers.

Today i would like to talk on a rather sensitive topic. Marriage. Again.

I have been on this topic a lot lately.

1. My friend is getting married soon
2. Another friend was in the getting-to-know-each-other phase with a potential candidate
3. Just watched a Hindi movie where parents match make their children for future of their business
4. I was just wondering about my life as a wife. What??

Anyways...

I've been avoiding this topic because i was always not sure if i could ever get through with it.

Thinking about it makes me nervous. Like, will we live together forever...happily?

Will we get through everything together?

Will i ever know if he is the one?

So much uncertainty.

And then...
I thought.

Well, when i got myself a cat, i also had all tge negarive thoughts.

-will the cat be happy?
-will the space in my room sufficient for it?
-have i got everything for a cat?
-am i ready to be a cat owner?

And once the cat was in the house, i had so many MORE questions.

- Is it okay if he doesnt drink water?
- Does kitten sleep all the time?
- Why is it having diarrhea?

And i seek help from the internet and people...

...and it helped me through accustomed to being a cat owner.

I am still learning about my cat on a daily basis. He is showing more and more of his personality and it surprises me even to this day.

What im trying to say is...

You will never know what it feels like (eg: registering to a new school, buying a new car, getting married, having a child, taking care of a sick person, babysitting your niece, yadda yaddaa...), until you just take a plunge into it with an open mind.

No matter how much you prepare yourself for the situation, you'll end up knowing VERY LITTLE about it.

You will learn more and more about the subject as time passes.

And trust me, waiting to be PREPARED will almost never come.
Just like sitting for an exam. You were given 3 weeks to prepare for the exam. But the night before the exam, you'll still be shitting in your pants, going through all the notes, screaming because you are thinking about the questions that might come out for the exams, tossing and turning on the bed singing yourself to sleep...
And only after you've sat for the exam, you find out what things that you still havent understood, havent completely mastered.

But thats what exams are for right?

Same goes with life.

Its an ongoing process of learning.

Same goes with marriage. Living with another person is difficult,yes no doubt about it.
You will have to learn on how to share, how to communicate, how to love. But again...its a learning process.

Our parents didnt get to know each other over 3 months of marriage nd lived happily. It took them years and years of learningbfor them to be where they are now. And most of them would say, she/he was so mych different after marriage, it feltnlike i married a whole different person.

My advice, no matter what situation you are in, close your eyes, take a breather, and take the plunge.

If you are forever afraid of the UNKNOWN, you'll NEVER live your life.

P/S: hit the gym for the first time last night. Had great fun, laughed, made a fool of myself. But hey, i ENJOYED it.

STOP being passive audience

Assalamualaikum readers.

This entry is dedicated to all movie lovers, drama lovers and all sitcom lovers. We all love a good time watching the TV, binging on chocolates and popcorns, drooling over the cute couple in the series and feeling like throwing a chair towards the villain in a movie. YES.

But today I wanna ask everyone a question, “What did you learn after watching a movie/drama?”

Did you learn anything at all?

Hmm…

Actually watching a movie should be just a hobby, to pass the time, make you feel less stressed and refreshed. Yes. But you also need to get something out of the movie/drama. You need to learn something or get some advice from it as well. If not, you’re just kindda wasting your time.

For example, I have been watching The Good Wife since Season 1, then I stopped after Season 5 or 6, I can’t remember. What have I learnt throughout the seasons?

Politics sucks. Lawyers can take advantage of a situation to their own benefit. Like how Alicia Florrick asked for favours from Peter while she was a newbie at the firm, she took a lot of quick turns with just a phone call to Peter and she suddenly gets all the information she needs within a few days, sometimes in a few hours. Even the judge knows her in court, and there already an upperhand towards winning a case if the judge knows you.

I also watched Scandal for a few seasons. Almost the same story, politics sucks. That a politician will do whatever to stay on top. Almost all politicians somehow would turn into a bad guy, when he is at the top. The guy who cheats on his wife, but still puts on a good face when he is out in public. Undercover operations to clean up messes for the ones who can pay for the team.

Crazy world we live in.

All of these make me think and wonder what else could be going on in the world that we don’t know about. What are the politicians and rulers of countries thinking and controlling? Are we ever going to know about them? Who’s the good guy? Who’s the bad guy?

Now, I wanna go on a little further into Malay dramas. I watch them sometimes. Malay dramas are a little different. Lately, a lot of dramas are based on novel adaptations. And most novels have almost the same storyline, more or less. (at least I see them almost the same)

Usually, the girl will fall in love with a guy, get engaged and then somehow, something will go wrong (the fiancé met in an accident, gets killed or runs away) and the poor girl will continue life miserably. Then comes in our hero, the cold guy with no heart, he owns a business or comes from a wealthy family, has one or two bad habits. His family likes the poor girl, they both get married based on an arranged marriage. This girl will try to impress the guy and his family, does all the right things and the guy would either still act cold or treat her badly. When he finally opens his heart for her, comes in the third party, his ex-girlfriend, ex-fiancee, ex wife….she will plan something to break this couple up. And the story goes on….

Most malay drama fans/audience only watch the drama for the sake of the hero who would be incredibly handsome, or the girl who is super good and kind in the drama. And they would hope that the guy will change into a good guy and they would live happily ever after.

Nobody gives a rats ass about the Islamic point of all these.

See…all Malay dramas, mostly will somehow have Islamic perspective on it, because they are all Muslims. So, why not we, the Muslim audience take something out of it as well?

For example…

In one of the dramas I watched, the hero was married to the heroine and he was a pilot. When the heroine went back to her hometown while she was pregnant, the hero got into a plane crash. They couldn’t find his body, and declared him dead. 6 months has passed and still no clues of his body. The guy’s parents have finally accepted that their son is dead, but the wife started to have psychological problems. She was constantly talking about the husband, and also she had a miscarriage. She was going through a lot, I guess. And about a year later, the story of the pilot rises, he was married to a lady in Egypt and he apparently had memory loss. He came back to his hometown, doesn’t recognize his family or friends, did the DNA test and was proven to be the pilot who was involved in the crash.

So, what now? HE already has a second wife in Egypt. And his first wife (whom he doesn’t remember) is here, still waiting for him.

From a Muslim’s perspective, first of all, if you hear something terrible happening, say Astaghfirullah and Innalillah wa inna ilaihirrajiunnn. Then, do a lot of prayers and zikr. Because we are at our weakest, and syaitons (devils), love it when we are at our weakest. We can easily slip into a quicksand and it’s so hard to get out. Pray a lot of Allah, ask Him for forgiveness, strengthen our hearts and help us in dealing with our troubles.

Secondly, when it comes to problems about the syariah (laws in Islam), we need to study back on what Allah says about these situations. So, we as Muslims, should also find out, how do we settle this problem, handling it the best way that we can. If we have no knowledge on this, we need to seek help from the ones who has.

So, in this case, the drama potrayed that the second wife (wife from Egypt) lets go of her husband, because she felt like she was the one who took the guy away from the first wife, and that the first wife needs him more than she does. But in Islam, that shouldn’t happen. I mean, what will happen to the second wife now? She’ll stay in Egypt a single woman? Pity her.

That’s why we need to ask Allah for help, ask Him for strength in hadling and dealing with situations like this. At the same time, seek advice from ustaz and ustazah, the court and those who has experiences in dealing with such situations.

This is what I mean by active audience. We process the scenes from the movie or drama and we do our own thinking, should this happen, why did this happen, how to solve an issue…not just accepting what the storyline gives you. Yes, these were made for entertainment purposes, but this also rarely happen in reality. Might as well, we learn something about it, apply it in reality mode and solve the issue.

I hope you understand where I’m coming from with this entry. Just don’t accept what’s been given to you. Process and digest them. Make the brain work. Learn something from storylines.

Be an active audience.

Thank you.

Women and dating world

Assalamualaikum readers.

Today i would like to write an entry about women and dating world. I read an article by a Muslim lady who went through a lot when she was going through "this phase" and Alhamdulillah, now she's married.

What she said in the article were mostly true. Wait, what did she said?

We, Muslim ladies were taught to not date or fall in love or be in a relationship when we were growing up. Parents forbid us for good reasons, and told us to study.
The right guy will come when the time comes. (my parents also said that)

And so we did study and work and focus on our careers. Then our age increases gradually. And our parents panic.
They start looking for candidates for us anf tell us to "get to know them" or go on dates with a stranger.

Ehem...excuse me.

How am i supposed to go on a date with a guy i dont know?
How to talk to a guy i dont know?
What do we talk about?
How long does it take to know a person?

And when the "spark" isnt there between the two of us, and the guy rejects, the first person our parents blame is...us.

-did you say something wrong?
-shouldve worn that new scarf i bought you!
-did you laugh too loud?
-did you play with your phone during the date?
-shouldve answered the phone immediately when he calls!

Mum, Dad...
I have no experience in this. You told me to study and not think about love and marriage when i was growing up.
Unlike my non-Muslim friends, they gave dated some guys in school, went out for movies and planned their future together after graduating university and college.
I was busy thinking about graduating on time and finding a job to plant my feet on the ground and start earning for myself.
I didnt have time to look for a guy, or go out dating. Because you taught me not to.

And now all of a sudden i need to suddenly know how to date someone, talk and text a guy on the phone and dress up for him?

No.

So please...give us space. We are newbies in this too. Our parents raise us up to become independent women who has education, job and stable income.
Yes, we might be a bit older by the time we enter this phase. But what can we do? We were raised that way.

So, give us a break. If we were awkward at first, just give us some time...try to get to know us better...if you wanna give this a shot.

But if you expect us to be like the characters from a novel or girls from the movies who dresses well and spontaneously says all the right things during the first date, first text and first call, we're sorry.

It takes a lot of patience...but isnt that what marriage is all about?
Patience and compromise.

Think about it guys.

Wassalam.

Toothless, the lost kitten.

Today, i dedicate an entry for a small little kitten which passed away this morning due to porvovirus.

I adopted a kitten at a cat center in Perlis near my workplace due to depression. I felt like my world was ending and i had no motivation to continue on with life. I decided if i divert my attention to a pet, it would help me. Like, i am given a task to give this pet attention and happiness.

I went in the pet center looking for a kitten. And the owner said she had kittens for adoption, and also kittens for sale.
I saw this poor little kitten staring at me, with sad eyes, sitting closely to his mates in the cage. He was a little kitten, about 2 months old, very weak and had fleas all over him.

I named him Toothless. Why?
Because my late best friend and I shared a secret. That we would somehow adopt or buy a cat, name it Toothless and take care of it. Even though Toothless is not black, i just thought it was a nice name, in the honour of remembering my late friend.

I brought him back after i did some shopping. Spent about rm150 on cat stuff, from a cage to his litter box and shampoo.
Then i swept the floor, mopped the room and set everything up. He walked around the house, didnt meow at all, slept with me on the bed. I woke up at 2am in the morning, watched it walk around a bit then fell asleep. And again i woke up at 4am just to check on him and slept again. At 6am, he bit my arm. Ouch!

To cut the story short, he was kindda enjoying his life, but sadly a few days after, his appetite reduced and he falls asleep a lot. He was lethargic all the time.
Last Thursday, i checked him into the center to be taken care of while i travelled to penang.
The owner informed me that Toothless had contracted Porvovirus, a deadly virus that kills many kittens and cats. Plus, Toothless wasnt vaccinated when i adopted him. The owner thought he was too weak to be vaccinated, so she planned to get him vaccinated when he is a few months older.

Unfortunately, he passed away this morning.

In rememberance of Toothless, these are the few things i'd like to share about my little kitten.
1. He likes to cuddle up with me or some thick cloths. I think it makes him feel safe.
2. He only meowed on the second day of adoption.
3. He has separation anxiety. Everytime i am away, even to the toilet, he meows, calling for me.
4. He likes watching Tv or videos on the internet, he is fascinated by the colours and movements.
5. He loves to explore. He walks around with his nose sniffing the floor, dirt and everything in it, and then gets confused as to how to get back to the room.
6. He learnt how to use the litter box pretty quickly, on the second day itself. He's a smart kitten.
7. He doesnt know how to play with toys...especially when i am around. I dont know why...maybe because he was sick.
8. He has extreme passion for the bathroom. Because the bathroom door is always closed, he likes to try and push the door open to see whats inside. He even slept outside the bathroom door a few times.
9. He's afraid of heights. But he loves to give a try at jumping and clinging onto the sofa and bed.
10. He doesnt enjoy shower. But he felt so much better with the fleas all gone. And he smelt nicer.

Gonna add picture of him soon.

Rest in peace, little one. I hope i've brought some happiness into your life.

Why nurses look so glum at the counter?

Assalamualaikum, readers...

Today my entry is dedicated to all nurses, mostly in the dental and medical department.

We always wonder why nurses don't have a friendly smile on their faces when we go to the counter for registration.

Well...i had the privilage to sit at the counter with the nurses and i too got a bit stressed and understood why they act sych way.

1. Too many patients.
- well, this is not a reason. But for a person to be asking the same thing over and over again like a broken record sometimes ires a person.
- some patients even tell stories of why are they at the clinic....at the counter. I know this may seem funny, but it gets irritating to some nurses, because they have to attend many other patients that are waiting behind the line.

2. Patients ask the same question over and over again.
- one or two patients who ask of the same question is fair enough. But if 50 patients ask of the same question...how would you feel?

3. Too mamy forms!!!
- if you've worked behind a counter in a government facility, you'd know there are just too mamy forms to fill.
- i work in one of the busiest clinic, and the nurses have to stamp a few stamps in the card, help.me chart the dentition of the patient, assist me in suctioning the patient's saliva while i work, prepare instruments and materials for the treatment, make sure the patient brings the treatment card and pays at the counter, clean up after the patient and then...
...call the next patient in.
And the cycle repeats....for the next 30+ patients.
- after all of that, the nurses have to gather data monthly on how many patiemts have been treated by multiple officers, check all the materials expiry dates and how much of them are left in the room and also some other stuff i have no idea of.

4. Irritating patients.
- sitting at the counter, patients sometimes come at their own sweet time (even though appointment has been given) and when the patient misses the appointment, the patient blames the nurses for not having sympathy.
- some come with reasons to postpone the appointment (that was given by the doctor) for some petty reasons. When they explain nicely to the patient, the patiemt refuses to listen. And the blame game begins...
- once, i received a patient who just cant sit still. He was an adult male, and he kept his hands behind his head like this is some dort of a spa. He kept moving and it was difficult for the nurses to assist me. She lost it and said sternly to the patient to stop move around. Imagine having to deal with patients like this....on top of all the workloads.

5. Long working hours
- this is dedicated to the nurses in the hospitals who work longer shifts and attend more patients, with lots of shitloads going on in the hospital.
- nurses on the dental clinic even though work from 8am to 5pm daily, they have to be on their feet for long and that tires them.

No matter what we been through, i know by right we, government officers and staff have pledged to serve the community with a nice attitude and sweet smile daily.
But this is just something to open up your minds and TRY to understand why they arent always smiling to you.

Im not saying all nurses are glum looking and pissed off all the time, just that when they have reached their limits, they tend to act certain ways. We are all humans. And we do make mistakes.
No matter how much we think we have done our best, there's always someone elese who finds whatever we do as bad.

In the end, it's always nice when patients come back saying Thank You and smiling happily as they leave the facility.

Thank you.

Mr Zorro, my plans...and him

Assalamualaikum readers.

it's been a looonnnggggg while since i've updated anything on this blog.

short updates on my life now:
- my sister got married in December last year and i have a new Brother! yayyy!!
- i got a job in Perlis. wehee!!
- my dad is no longer in pain. Alhamdulillah...

what's up with this Zorro crap?

LOL.

Ever since I could ever remember, i fell in love with Zorro, the character, not Antonio Banderas.
Mr Zorro is mysterious, tall, handsome i suppose, strong, a leader and a loving person because he owns a horse. haha...

He is an ordinary man in the day, but a hero at night.
he saves people from their misery, fight for their rights and rides his horse into the pitch black of the night....to who knows where.

and every time i feel like i needed a break, i would wish that Mr Zorro would wait for me downstairs with his horse, mask and sword, where he would take me on a ride, an adventure.

I don't see myself on a shrieking horse, galloping so fast, making sharp turns every now and then, because i would be peeing in my pants, my shawl would get tangled in the branches of trees and i would be screaming so hard, it wouldn't be fun anymore.

I rather see myself pouring my heart out to Mr Zorro, where he would listen, the horse would walk slowly, stop at a fountain or some vast field, where the moonlight is upon me. i would stare at the sky and breathe in the night breeze. i hope it doesn't rain though.

so who's Mr Zorro?
my future husband i suppose.

what has that got to do with my plans?

i went through some unpublished entries earlier and i saw an entry where i asked myself, what if Mr Zorro is a freak? scared of heights or has a phobia for horses?

then he wouldn't be Mr Zorro!

but i actually wrote that i would hold on to the rope myself, as terrified as i may be, and grip onto Mr Zorro with another hand, and we would walk together in unison. i felt it was unfair to let Mr Zorro carry the burden all to himself, so i kindda played Zorro myself.

(still don't get the plans....)

all my life, well, not exactly...

since the topic of my sister's marriage was discussed and brought up in my family, i've always expressed my opinions on what qualities i want in a guy.

1. great smile (that's the first thing i would look at anyhow)
2. tall (because i'm short, haha)
3. steady job (not necessarily a high ranking or all time people's favourite job like doctor, surgeon, engineer or teacher. i don't care if he earns lower than me)
4. awesome personality, funny to be precise (because i love to laugh)
5. non smoker

and that's when point no 3 comes in...him.

i found the guy. not exactly. he was right in front of me, but i never saw him.

and i feel like God is testing me with him. will i fulfill my promise, or will i run away?

so far i'm sticking to my promise, but i don't know how long will this last...

there are a few things that are making me second guess this.

- my mum and sister opposing this
- what my future would look like on my engagement and wedding receptions (because of my mum and sister opposing this in the first place)
- how he would be treated in the future if this goes on. will he be treated differently because he wasn;t my mum's favourite?

i know i think about things too much...but if he were to become my husband, i wouldn't want him to be bullied. or felt like he wasn't good enough for me.

and that's the reason i've been asking him over and over again if he would be okay with this. with me.

and his answer is the same as me.

"as long as you stand by my side, i would be strong"

the same thing i used to plan to tell my future husband. i will back you up no matter what, but i need you to be strong.

and it's easy and light talking about big decisions and important crucial things with him. he doesn't complicate. he eases things. he compromises.

all good qualities i am glad i found in him.

but again, i don't know for sure.

help me, pray for me.

if he's the One, let this thing work and last forever.
if he isn't, may Allah guide us through this chapter and opens up a different chapter for us.

ameen...

who's the protector-Allah or random objects?

Assalamualaikum, readers,

Today, we revert back to the side of me where we don't talk about love, marriage and boys. let's talk about superstition.

i am a Muslim. been a Muslim my whole life. grew up in a Muslim family, with Muslim practices.

however, somewhere in between, there is some blurred lines.

for instance, my Grandma recently told me to put some Quranic verse in the car. as a protection.

protection from what?

protection from the evil spirits, protection to the car, myself and whoever in it while driving.

i didn't argue much, but told her there is a Quranic verse (which is laminated by the way) in the glove compartment. 

then she passed me a gift, tasbeeh (beads) from an uncle who went to Mecca to perform umrah, she told me to hang the tasbeeh in the car, again, as protection.

well, this is where a lot of people go wrong. these were never taught in Islam.

so where did my grandma went wrong?

first and foremost, i would like to clarify that in Islam, we are taught that Allah is the protector. He is the Creator, He is the most Powerful.

that's why a true Muslim would recite some doa (prayers) before performing anything. because we want the job/activity to be blessed with His name. so that He protects the activity/routine from evil/harm.

however, one should also be reminded that just because you recite the doa, doesn't mean that you will be forever protected from harm or mishap. 

because, we all believe in qada' and qadar (The phrase means "the divine decree and the predestination"-Wikipedia) basically we believe that our fate has been decided long before we were made, and that everything happens for a reason.

but, we should never believe that the tasbeeh or Quranic verse in the car is the PROTECTOR against all evil/mishap. NO!

that is wrong.

same goes to when babies are sick, usually infants, the elders would believe it's because of evil around them. and that placing the Quran near the babies when they sleep at night would protect them, because the evils would be AFRAID of the Holy Quran.

but actually, Allah is protecting the child. so we should ALWAYS and FOREVER believe that Allah (God Almighty) is the only protector. so we should pray to Allah that the child is protected against all evil, or any sickness. 

this is just a rant, because i could never change my grandma's perspective on it. i think she knows that the ultimate protector is God, but somehow she still feels the need to just have the things there. 

but i hope you would understand the concept of protection in Islam. 

Wallahua'lam.

row on a boat or ride a horse?

relationship is never easy. and it is never a straight path.
(you'd think i was in at least 3 relationships. but i was never in one)

a lot of people were very sure of a relationship at the beginning of it, where the flowers were blooming on each sides of the garden, the river was calm and the weather was perfect for a date outside.

and then when they reach a hurdle, that's when everything is tested.

distance, time, work, trust.

then suddenly the flowers began to wilt, the boat started to rock and there is a storm. 

will you survive?

if you water the plants, if you don't panic on the boat and look for a shelter to survive the storm, then maybe you will.

but if you just stare at the plants, scream and panic on the rocky boat and just stand in the rain waiting for the storm to pass, then maybe you won't make it through.

but you would know how i love horses and Mr Zorro and riding into the middle of nowhere? (you'd know if you have been reading my blog)

i would like to address my future relationship as the horse riding experience.

i may be terrified of heights (i really am) and i've never went horseback riding before.

and i've never met my Mr Zorro, so i have no idea how he will be.

but if he has the patience and strength to help me on a horse (because i'm fat and heavy), then calm me down while i am on the horse freaking out if i would be okay, then maybe we would have a wonderful journey in front of us.

but hey, why is he playing the hero part and you just act like a princess?

okay. i will get down and dirty as well. 

if he doesn't like horseback riding, then maybe we could just walk with the horse. 
if he hates or has a phobia with horses, i will hold the rope myself, and he can walk beside me. we can accompany each other, gripping each others hands bracing for whatever that might happen after that. (what if the horse started acting out and gallop away? or what if he jumps and i let go of the rope?)
P/S: did i mention i am kindda paranoid of the possible circumstances of...EVERYTHING?

the thing is, relationship is a two way thing. you complete each other. you never let go of each other no matter what lies ahead,

if one is feeling like shit, the partner should make some tea and sit by the other on the couch, try to lift his/her spirits up.

if one is happy and delighted of a promotion, they should celebrate. hug, kiss or dance, order some pizza and have some quality time with each other. watch a movie or something.

life is simple. we complicate things. 

our brains do. 

other peoples words do.

don't let anybody else control your life, but you.

you made a commitment to each other. stick by each other. no matter how shitty things get.

My Mr Zorro

who is my Mr Zorro?

when i was younger (in my undergraduate years) i would wish Mr Zorro was there on the field, waiting for me, on his black horse, ready to pick me up for a ride, while i cried on his shoulders if i was sad or scream my lungs out if i was angry. no matter what, he would be there to comfort me. 

the reason him being a Zorro is because he is a mystery, i do not know who he was, nor his looks. 
but i know he is caring and that he loves me.

somehow, by the end of my 3rd year, i kindda forgot about him. entirely. i don't know where he went, or why didn't i reach out for him. he stopped visiting me in my dreams too. 
maybe i had enough support from my friends, that i didn't need to run into his arms when i needed him most.

now, i am 25 years old. (oh gosh, i feel so old!) reading my old blog entries, i realized i totally forgot about him. and i wrote about him quite a lot, but then what happened?

i grew up?

LOL.

i did blog about marriages, husbands, relationships...but i recalled of me writing an entry of the characteristics i look for in a man i'll call my husband. but i can't find it.

i don't think much has changed. i stand by what i say...even until today.

so, here goes.

1. i don't have specifics on how he should look like. but i would like his to have a nice face. when people look at him, they can't help but smile. yeah, that's the face i'm looking for. 

2. tall. he should be tall. because i am short. i want my kids to be tall. hahha...talking about genes and inheritance. how tall? hmm...when i stand by him, i should be at his shoulders, so...around 5' 10"? one more thing is that i would like to wear a 4 inch heels on the wedding day, so he still has to be taller than me, even with heels. 

3. physique: don't mind if he's fit or slightly chubby. i used to long for a muscled man, like Randy Orton. but then i realized, what if he's a gym freak? then, i cannot enjoy food around him. i have to eat healthy. then we'd bicker a lot. sigh.
then i also liked the idea of a chubby husband, then i would look thinner and smaller around him. and i get warm hugs. hehe...

4. job: steady job. as long as he's working, i'm okay with it.
i don't demand him to be an engineer, doctor or architect. i'm pretty much okay with anything, even a clerk. insyaAllah i'm okay. 
but i am a dentist, why would i wanna marry a clerk?
it's not that i wanna marry a clerk. i'm saying that i don't demand for him to be working with a 3k salary every month. i don't mind if he earns lesser than me.
as long as he can provide for me, and willing to strive and work harder for the both of us.
and he would accept me as his wife, even though i earn more than him, he's okay with it.
and when people (relatives) ask about his occupation, i don't want him to be intimidated with their questions. truthfully, i would back him up. i'm pretty sure i would. i promise i would.
but he needs to understand all of the circumstances before we agree to get married (if he really earns lesser than me)
if he earns more, Alhamdulillah.
P/S: my dad earned lesser than my mum when they got married. and a lot of people looked down on my dad. but my grandpa and mum backed him up, saying he's hardworking and a good guy. *choking up* so, what's the matter? my dad turned up to be a businessman 10 years down the road. and he supported my mum and three kids. Alhamdulillah.
P P/S: can't believe i'm tearing up. i'm emotionally wrecked.

5. house: i used to set my dreams big, he has to own a house for the both of us to live in. but looking at the current situation now, i'm kindda okay if we have to go through hardship earlier in the marriage. like, living in a rented place while looking for an apartment for long term plan. 
but if he has bought a unit for us, that's a bonus.
what about living with his parents? i'm not sure.
maybe i would, maybe i wouldn't. can't really decide on it yet. 

6. transport: whether he owns a car or a motorbike, i am grateful either way. as long as we have a transport. hahah...
i don't really look at brand, i don't know about it. as long as we can get to a place safely, that's good enough for me.

7. personal traits: funny, respectful to elders, willing to accept my brother as his own, responsible, hardworking, easy to talk to, family oriented person.
handy around the house, if the light doesn't work, he has some knowledge in changing them, if the sink goes crazy, he's willing to check the pipes and fix it (need to try first before we call the plumber). these are the traits that my dad has, and i wish he has it too. 
loves music and movies. please, if he hates music, i'm sorry i can't go on. coz i'm a music freak. 
i even thought of him presenting me a mixtape for our engagement or wedding. it's a little present for me. just like the old school western culture.
loves animals, i really really wish we could adopt a black cat and name it Toothless (just like Toothless from How To Train Your Dragon). we would have it until we have kids of our own, and the cat would become part of our lives. yay! insyaAllah. (why am i obsessed with the cat? because i can't have it in my own home, so i am dreading for it) 
what if he doesn't like cats? bummer! 
what about a pet rabbit? i just need something that i can pat and put on my lap while i watch a movie or read a book. 
hmm...what else? 
i think that's pretty much it.

8. bonus trait 1: could sing and dance. 
wouldn't it be nice if he was crazy enough to dedicate me a song on our wedding day?

bonus trait 2: knows how to play a musical instrument.
too bad i can't play anything besides the flute. and the last time i blew a flute was in primary school. 
it'd be romantic if he could strum a few chords when he's bored at home, singing his favourite songs, even teach me how to play on the weekends. *snap out of it, emma!*

okay sorry, i got too carried away. 

basically these are the things i look for in my husband, my Mr Zorro. 

wherever you are, know that i will wait for you, insyaAllah. 

and may i get to meet you someday, and you pick me up on your horse, and we ride in the middle of the night, to our own adventure.

am i ready for marriage?

Assalamualaikum readers.

this entry was a suggestion from my English teacher Miss A when i was studying as an undergraduate. i told her my dilemma and she asked me to write an entry on this topic.

so here goes.

i am not sure if i am ready for marriage.

i am definitely ready for the brighter sides of a marriage:

1. trying on wedding clothes
2. checking out the door gifts
3. seating arrangements for the wedding
4. getting to know my in laws and the family
5. snapping funny crazy pictures on the stage during the wedding, outdoor photoshoots with crazy props

6. honeymoon (if only we have enough money for a holiday)
7. all the cute together stuff: eating together, waking up net to each other, travelling together
8. talking to him on the phone (if he's away) for hours
9. baby talks maybe 2 years down the road

however, i am not too sure i'm ready for the sour, bitter, yucky parts of a marriage:

1. stress of the wedding itself (i don't wanna be gaining weight during my wedding!)
2. living together, sharing personal stuff
3.  houseworks (cleaning, cooking, scrubbing the toilet floors...the list just goes on and on)

4. all of the what ifs (what if he hates the way i twist and turn on the bed, what if i snored, what if he hates me waking up late in the mornings)

i know we can never control the what ifs, but my mind can't wrap the idea. im sorry, i am an overthinker. even after explaining to the other half your routine for the entire day, all your bad habits during the get-to-know phase, i don't think either one will be able to accept until you live with each other.

you may tell your partner that you are a deep sleeper, love to sleep on the right side of the bed, and the guy accepts you for whatever, and then he prepares himself mentally to get in bed with you. the next day, he woke up, learning that you snore in your sleep and that you kick and punch the whatever in your way when you're having a terrible nightmare.

living with a person is a learning process. you can never REALLY know a person until you've lived with the person. 

so, what do you do after you found out there's so many things you found DIFFICULT to tolerate? 

ditch the marriage and head for a divorce?

tolerate it? but for how long?

see...all of these questions make me wonder if i am ready for marriage. (truthfully, i don't think a person can EVER be ready for marriage)

because you don't know what to expect from it. 

it's something scary.

just like your first day on school. first UPSR, PMR and SPM.

first job interview. first day of work.

first date. eh?

you...ermm...i...will forever have doubts, because i don't know how will it turn out. but does that mean i should forever question this and that, and stay in this position forever-not knowing where to go, because i'm too afraid?

that's why in Islam, we have the concept of tawakkal (putting effort and try your best) and leave the outcomes to Him. 

i guess, no. 

i know i should just try my best to look (if i find him, if that's the case. what's up with the ifs? oh help!) try to work something out (whatever that may be) and then leave it all to Him. for He is the best planner and He The All Knowing.

as a Muslim, i trust in His plannings, good or bad, i will accept it. insyaAllah. 

so, what's my conclusion?

am i ready for marriage?

*inhales*

insyaAllah.

Rants...Part 2

Assalamualaikum, readers.

I've been browsing through my list of entries and found out one entry where i rant. (click here to get the scoop)

and i was laughing at how upset i was at the time. 

being the second child is always difficult. my parents didnt bring me EVERYWHERE to show me off when i was growing up, so they only remember my older sister. i've been overshadowed for years...oh God.

and now, Alhamdulillah, I would like to give myself a pat on the back for all my efforts...

one of my second cousins, he became my best friend. how did this happen?
let's call him Mr A. 

Mr A and i got connected through Facebook. my cousins added him and so i thought there wasn't any harm in doing so. i was 17 then. 

we just finished SPM and then shortly after, i got his number. i don't quite remember how i got his number, but then we started texting after his grandmother passed away. we were both 19 i suppose.

he was going through a rough time because he lived with her in the same house and when she passed, the house was a wreck. and since he grew up in the house, people expected him to rise to the occasion. he didn't sleep the entire night because people were constantly coming over and couldn't find the house. so he had to guide them.

i remembered advising him to take a short nap and ask someone to cover for him, but he said he couldn't trust anyone else and that nobody would even offer to take his place. i was up all night, studying for my finals and yet texting him, letting him know that i am here for him.

since then, whenever i went over to visit his family, he would approach me to talk. simple talk. stupid discussions over nothing. we bicker and fight. and he would constantly try to chase me around, just to have a conversation.

he was the ugly duckling of the family. people look down on him because of his petite physique and low self confidence. but when i talk to him, he's nothing like that. he speak with confidence and would voice out his opinions like nothing else matter.

and his aunt would get jealous. (im not making this up. it's true) she wondered why i would speak to him, instead of her son. 

thinking about it makes me laugh. 

that time, we both looked at him and just pretended he wasnt there. and continued talking.

he knows my secrets, things i never told others and i knew his. we were really friends, not cousins.
and it feels good to have that bond with someone, funny how we were cousins for 18 years and didn't connect, but in over 6 years, we were like besties.

when he got sick, we were constantly texting each other back and forth, almost on a daily basis. 
he told me everything from him throwing up on the bed, to the colour of his urine and how the nurses treated him. 

i knew everything.

though he didn't tell me what was the diagnosis, he somehow gave me lots of clues to what it was.

he shared with me his fears, and i hope i supported him through his final days.

he finally gave up on March 10th 2016. 

i miss everything about him. but i know God has better plans for the both of us. insyaAllah.

i'm glad to have known this man for the past 6 years. i don't regret anything that has happened between us. 

quantity does not matter. quality of the relationship matters.

you may know 1000 people in life, but what's the point of knowing them without having a relationship, a bond with them?

Appreciate those people you know who cherish you and make more friends, yes. but create special bonds along the way. let them recognize you as a special person and not just another face in the family. 

Wassalam.

secret to a long lasting marriage

Assalamualaikum readers.

oh, wait, what?

am i married? No.
How would i know that? Well....

I have been stuck on a TV series "Married at First Sight" for three seasons now, and i've learnt quite a lot from the experts.

The experts

Basically this is an experiment conducted by 4 experts: a sociologist, psychologist, sexologist and spiritual advisor.
They look for singles from all over the country and conduct a thorough series of interviews and background checks as well as detailed questionnaires to find the perfect or most compatible match for the contestants.

out of the thousands of entries, only 6 were chosen and matched.

they will not know anything about the significant other, not even their name, until the day of the wedding. and they will have to stay married for 8 weeks, which includes first night of the marriage, honeymoon, moving in (either to a new place or settle in each others place) and meet the in laws or family. after that, they will decide if they would like to stay married, or get a divorce.

i've watched 3 seasons now. so, i got a better understanding of what marriage is, or at least what it should be like.

Lesson 1: Physical Attraction

you may not be attracted to the guy/girl at first sight. he/she may be too dark or light for your liking, too tall, too skinny, too bald or too whatever. bottomline is, he/she is not attractive.
don't worry.
attraction grows with time.

don't be too quick to judge the other person. what if he/she is super kind hearted and loving and understanding? these qualities definitely overshadows how he/she physically look.

be open. give the other person a chance to prove themselves.

talk to them, maybe you have more in common than you think.

Lesson 2: The First Night

everybody thinks the first night needs to be the night you consummate your marriage. it depends.
if you don't feel ready or don't feel well, you don't have to.

also, as a Muslim, if the wife is having her menses, the husband is forbidden from it. it is sinful.

Lesson 3: Engage in Activities during Honeymoon

If you're lucky and blessed with a honeymoon trip, go out, enjoy the trip with your spouse. get to know what kind of activities he/she loves to do. even if you hate them, just give it a shot.
show the other person that you're trying to impress and share the memories with them.
But if you can't swim and he wants to dive, then maybe just give him some moral support and wiat in the boat for him.

And maybe address your partner of your fears, so that you both can meet somewhere in the middle.

Lesson 4: Staying Together after Marriage

Sometimes, a couple takes some time to figure out where they will settle down after marriage.
you'd have to figure out how to cope with your workplace and the distance from the house, how much you both would spend on gas or public transport and so on.

some people wouldn't mind living with their parents or roomates, living like before they were married, and this is not recommended by the experts.
they say that a married couple should start anew. you get a house and turn it into a home. a home both of you would live in.

and you BOTH have to lie in the house.

no such thing as a timeout, for you to pack up your stuff and runaway for a short vacay or break to your old place or your parents.
NO!

even if you went through a bitter argument with your partner, you are required to sleep in the same house at the end of the night.
the experts say that it will show each other that you have commitment. that you have committed in this sacred bond and will not leave each other come hell or whatever.

i know it's hard to imagine looking at your partner's face after an argument, let alone sleeping on the same bed. but somehow these experts believe that it will help in the marriage.

plus, living in the same house provides intimacy between the two of you. you get to share a space with each other and these will all lead to intimacy.

Lesson 5: Finances

apparently, you'll have to discuss right away after the first week of marriage about your salaries, how will you divide the expenses, how to save up money and so on.

there might be conflicts here, because you will find out who's the spender and who's the stingy one. and how to manage two accounts and merge them into one.

i'm not too good on finance myself, but well, once you're married, you'll have to make it work. because you'll have to save up for the future: buying a new car, a new house, expenses for the holidays, future vacations, childrens?

the conflicts that i've seen in these couples are that the women are mostly independent and have been paying their bills and feel that the men shouldn't be paying for them.

and also some of them believe that men have to be the dominant one, paying up the bills and the women are supposed to chill and save up.

again, it depends on the discussion you two will have to sit down and talk about.

it will be tough, but it's for the best.

Lesson 6: Little Things Goes A Longgg Wayyyyyy

don't think that after marriage, everything is a smooth sailing.

YOU need to spice up the sparks of romance between the two of you. simple acts like treating your spouse out to dinner, buying him/her gifts, go to a cinema.

but if you're too stingy, then there are other ways to make this work.

making her a note that you miss him/her, back massages, foot massages, cooking dinner...anything.

every once in a while, you need to surprise each other, so that the other person know that you are trying to make this work, as much as they are. and also, they would feel appreciated....and loved.

Lesson 7: Communicate

marriage isn't a smooth sailing. there'll be rocky roads, stormy waves and rainy days.

you may bicker, argue and fight. have disagreements.

talk with each other. voice out your opinions. if you disagree with the other, find a common ground. or speak your mind. but speak respectfully.

i would like to pull out a few examples from the three seasons i've watched.

Jason and Courtney (from Season 1 USA) have very tight schedules where they could hardly meet with each other. so, i order to make ends meet, she came up with a system: write each others schedules on a whiteboard so that they both could see when and how could they arrange their dates and timing to spend quality time.

She sat next to him and started drawing the tables, filling in the blanks with different coloured markers and before they knew it, they were in sync.

Jaclyn and Ryan (from Season 2 USA) were two different people from the start. she didn't feel like she was attracted to him. she treated him like a friend, buddy, brother, instead of a husband. and he went on with it even though he felt he didn't like it one bit.

Somehow, after some time of him sticking by her side, she opened up to him and things went on better. he finally told her he didn't like her calling him bro, and also he did't like the fact that she insisted on paying for their groceries because he felt he was the man. and that it's the husband's job to pay the bills. yes they did bicker in front of the cashier, but she finally learnt that she should take a step back.

Ashley and David (from Season 3 USA) was a very sad pairing. she has difficulties letting new people in and so she keeps her feelings bottled up. she finds it hard to even speak her mind, let alone speaking in general. she was a very quiet person.

he was very vocal, but patient person. he suggested her to write things down so that it'd be better for her. this was indeed a good method to try, but she was just so guarded that even this method didn't work for her.

so, basically, you need to let your partner know how you feel at a point. some people don't like you to bottle up old feelings and then just explode pointing at the things you did yesterday, last week or last month, because they would feel ambushed and cornered.

if the environment is okay, then maybe you should just speak and let them know right there and then about how you feel. if that's too much to ask, maybe have a pillowtalk, right before you go to bed, just confront the other in a positive way. just let them know you didn't like whatever that has been said, or done and you wished it wouldn't happen again.

Also, if you are being apart, give each other a quick text, call or video chat of you are living far apart. it shows that you care and miss the other person. this will also show how much you miss your spouse and will also make the bond stronger between you two.

Lesson 8: Be Vulnerable

it's hard being vulnerable to the other party. but remember, you are married.

it doesn't mean that you're weak when you break down some walls and show the side to your significant other. it shows that you care and willing to share.

and it gives some degree of respect from the significant other since this is not an easy thing to do.

share something in the past about yourself, some dark and sad stories about yourself, what made you stronger today, what memories you cherished with the person you've lost...

your spouse would stand by your side and console you, build you up, share the pain and move on with you in his/her hand.

that is how you build a stronger bond of intimacy.

however, from the standpoint of a Muslim, i think i should also provide my own opinions.

# 1 : Pray to Allah for His Guidance

we are His creations and we have no idea what to expect in marriage. He knows.
seek His guidance and keep on praying that He leads us to a better person, to guide our spouse to be a better person too. that we can build a safe and religious environment in our home and practice in our lifestyle.

#2 : Be Patient

no matter what happens in the marriage, always be patient. don't just jump onto your spouse.
say zikrullah if possible. stay calm. breathe.
again, pray and seek His forgiveness and guidance.

#3 : Respect the Elders

be it your parents or in-laws, or just some random relatives. always be respectful of the elders. (i know i would get pissed if they say something hurtful in front of me, but just smile politely) 

i have been confronted in crazy situations before and i have been speaking my mind ever since. you should stand up for what you believe, but somehow, when i was dealing with my sister's in laws' relatives, i did bite my tongue all the time.

yes, i was hurt that day, even now. but what could i do? 
she's part of the family and i will forever be running into the family.

well, i believe in karma. 

in the meantime, just prove to the person and the entire world that you are a great person. you are not what they think you are. that despite everything that has been done, you show them good example. that your parents didn't raise you to be poorly behaved.
then someday, they will realize that they made a mistake.

plus, having the blessings of an elder is some sort of a prayer. for them to even think about us in a nice way, is a prayer sent on us, that we live happily and healthily. 

so, i guess that's pretty much it. 

if you have any other advice to give, please drop a comment. 

maybe i could learn something new.

wassalam.