relationships?

Assalamualaikum

today,i am going out of my comfort zone, talking about relationships.

am i in a relationship? no.

so why bother? a lot of things came up. need to express myself perhaps. *giggle nervously*

okay, here's my idea of an ideal healthy relationship.

- parents approval is utmost important
- honesty comes in handy all the time
- the other half not too clingy
- he is stable? (financially, emotionally)
- a family person

Unfortunately for me, i have developed a barrier around me, where every corny scenes i watch i the drama or movies is just too corny and will not work with me. gotta try harder, mate.

i watched movies where guys would hint that they like the girl and the girl would go Ga-Ga over the guy.
that's not me. i went bombarding the guy with too many questions.

scenes of men buying food specially for the girl and presents the food in front of her, expecting her to feel loved and finally falling for the guy?
i declined the food and offered it to someone else.

you know in the movies where the girl would have trouble carrying heavy stuff and the guy would come running, helping the girl?
i pretended i was strong and carried the heavy box myself, until my aunt asked help from a guy nearby. i just don't like giving up.

texting back and forth about nothing until late into the night?
i just doze off without informing. sorry, sleep in more important.

asking if i have eaten or prayed or farted several times a day?
i ignored all of the questions. sorry, none of your business?

oh God. 
something is wrong with me.

yes.

i don't believe in all these.

i don't know if i have the patience to even go through all of the above, with me knowing i'm not ready for a relationship. 

i broke it off, came clean and prayed a lot to God. 

a friend told me to pray. if he's the one, he'll come rolling. if he's not, he'll be far far away.

problem is....

when you have been through all of the above (or maybe a little of the above) in a short period of time, it becomes an addiction. you wanna text or say something, just to keep it going. hoping everything would go away and things would remain at a friendship level.

however, i do realize not everyone is like me, at a pace where i am not seeking any form of relationship, i just need a friend. 

i realize that there are people who is only interested in becoming friends, only if they know there's a possibility of the relationship to bloom or take the next stage. 

i am okay with that.

remember the criteria of my ideal healthy relationship? honesty.

as long as you're honest, insyaAllah, you'll be okay. 

think of it this way:

are you more willing to hurt someone's feeling before anything goes further, or would you rather break his heart after giving him so much hope?

the choice is yours.

my last piece of advice (not really my advice, it's a friends'), if you're in the same dilemma as me, pray. pray. pray. 
seek His forgiveness. beg Him for His mercy.

Before i bid my goodbye, no, i'm not some hot stuff in the family. please, i'm nothing close to being HOT.

Wassalam.

lose yourself or be responsible

Assalamualaikum readers...

Alhamdulillah, i have passed my final exams and currently at home gaining weight + helping my mum and dad with house chores...occasionally + catching up on all the dramas on TV.

I have been watching multiple shows on TV and a bulb just went on in my head. i've got an idea for my blog.

there's a channel on ASTRO 732, Crime & investigation, and it shows a lot of crimes happening all around the world, and i umped into a show i dont quite remember, but it tells a story of a child who was online as a teenager and somehow she got kidnapped by an older man.

Also recently i watched an episode of Sister Wives where the first wife was caught talking to a man online and later found out that the man was actually a woman. This caused her marriage to fall apart and the family shattered to pieces. The husband was upset, the other wives were upset, and they don't know where this would end.

I have ran into similar stories while watching Oprah a long time ago, where they were talking about pedophiles and internet. And at the end of the segment, Oprah Winfrey concluded that there are monsters online.

I don't agree 100% on that statement. I'm sorry.

I believe there's the victim also shares a portion of the blame, not the bad guy alone.

and then i watched Law and Order: SVU, where Sergeant Olivia Benson (Mariska Hargitay) mentioned in one of the episodes that the victim is always never to be blamed.
i agree partially on the statement.

eg: a young teenager knowingly went into a "Dark Room" with a guy she has a crush on, despite understanding the meaning of entering the room with the guy (the room is where people have sexual intercourse, and have their names written on the wall)

i mean, if she doesn't like the idea, then she should have rejected the guy when he proposed the idea. She even consented and said Yes when he asked her. Then after she was assaulted, she claimed she was raped.

then, who is to be blamed?

same goes to the Sister Wives and victims of pedophilia mentioned by Oprah.
They knew there are bad people online, the solution is simple, don't get engaged to them. they are STRANGERS. you should never ever believe a word they say. even the pictures they upload may not be theirs.

i just don't like the idea where the victims stay victims. sometimes, they just play the VICTIM CARD.

back to my initial story, someone i knew went out willingly at midnight to meet a friend somewhere, alone.

there's so many red flags! how can you not see them?

- its midnight (can't it wait until tomorrow morning?)
- you're alone (what if something happens to you?)
- the person is of an opposite sex

sometimes i wonder if i'm too evil to judge people too quick or am i just being too careful?

honestly, up to this day, i've never meet anyone alone anywhere.

once, i had to meet a guy friend to pass him my flashdrive, just at sunrise. I dragged my roomate don with me to meet him.
The meetup didn't last more than 1 minute, i swear.

but what's wrong in playing safe?
why not?

anyhow, allegations were made but no one was there to backup the story. (see the importance of tagging along a friend?)

so...the conclusion is, be careful and responsible. or lose yourself.

thanks.

Wallahualam.

Rants...

Assalamualaikum, readers.

I've been wanting to blog about this matter long long time ago, but i always find myself super lazy to type it down. 

I am the second child in the family; I have one older sister and one younger brother. The usual custom in a family is that everyone knows and recognizes the first child, and often forgets about the second one (for whatever reasons). In my case, everyone even recognizes my brother, maybe because he's the only son. 
Still, it irritates me how people would ask my mum who am i when i walk beside her in family events or marriage receptions. Grrr...

"She's my neighbour's daughter. The neighbour left her with us for a few days"  
"She's an exchange student from Kelantan. She's staying with us for a week"

Those above are some of my mum's answers, and they would believe it right away. 
Whattt??!!! Are you kidding me?!

*breathe*

So, I have to constantly explain myself over and over again...who i am, where i am now, what am i doing...yadda yadda...

Until one day i got very tired. 

So, i decided i would make my own name. 

The first time I did this was when i was 18 years old. I was in matriculation, and my cousin was talking to an uncle and auntie. They were talking about emailing some important stuff about education. 

I butt in and asked, "Why didn't you email me too? I am the same age as her"

The uncle and auntie stared at me, with the look, who's this girl?

They answered something back, i don;t remember what. But we ended up debating about the stupid email. haha...

Since then, both the uncle and auntie watched over for me during family gatherings. 

Even to this day, i have to fight with my sister and brother to be known and recognized by my family members. Alhamdulillah, making new friends with random uncles and aunties by cracking stupid jokes. 

I don;t mind people know me as the clone of my mum, coz i think i am. I am very hyped like my mum, but i am still so far from being my mum. 

My mum is capable of talking to just anybody, even to those who say bad stuff about her, just to be nice and respectful. 

I am not quite there yet. 

I know i can never be as famous as my sister and brother (they are known based on their facial features), but I am very happy to where i am now, proud at the efforts i've made and still recognized by these very few peoples, making small talks once a year...and they still remember me! Yay!!

So...

If you are somehow like me in the family, just relax. It takes time and courage to get out of your comfort zone and get to mingle around with people around you. 

Trust me, when i was in high school, i couldn't be bothered at who and what is going on in my family, because i was too busy being a teen. I had my cousins to hang out with in family events. 

Now, my cousins, the ones who are same age with me have their own clan to hang out with, so...i'm pretty much alone. I had to make my own group of friends, just to keep a conversation going. 

Funny thing is, I remember this one family member, she is my mum's cousin's wife. All i did was ask her how long has she arrived, with whom did she come and has she eaten yet whenever i see her in family gatherings. And just by this small talk, she remembers me and appreciates me for my effort. 

Start simple and small, sometimes, you'll come out strong and too loud. Relax. People need to see you for who you are. 
And these things take time, be patient. 

InsyaAllah, you'll get there. Just don;t give up.

Trust me, i have given up before on an uncle and now, the uncle knows me for real. 
he knows my jam, how i roll and even cracks jokes with me for hours.
*cried myself to sleep because i couldn't bond with him like my siblings*
*I'm so drama, i know*

okay, bye!

Goodbye dear friend.

Assalamualaikum.

Recently, i was hit with a news, a news i didn't expect to hear anytime soon...my cousin, my friend, my buddy passed away. 
He had some medical illness and was hospitalized for about 50+ days. He was a warrior, faught bravely through all the procedures in the hospital. 

When i first got the news, i didn;t know how to react. until my brain kept replaying the message "he's gone, your friend is really gone" over and over. I broke down and cried outside my lecture hall. 
He was a great friend, best buddy one can hope for. Strangely, he was more a friend, than he was a cousin. 

Anyhow, I didn't get the chance to say goodbye to him for the last time, and i guess that was a blessing. I shall forever remember him as the fun, outgoing, happy boy he was, and not the miserable, sick boy he became. 

So, i hope this would be therapeutic for me, a way of saying goodbye to him. 

*kindda wrote this in the plane, one the way to his funeral*

Dear Buddy,

You have been a great friend. More than great actually. You're kindda my best buddy, the one I run to when I hhad to scream and shout and curse, and you;d understand. You;d even be on my side, and curse the other person just to be supportive.

I know we didn't meet after you've been hospitalized but i am still grateful to not see you in such condition. The last time we met was a blast, we all got together for my sister's convocation and you were very helpful indeed, specially with my father's condition at that time, I coudn't thank you enough for all that you;ve done for me. 

Even now writing this down, i am not sure that you're really gone, Some part of me wishes that this isn't true.

But Allah knows best. 

I shall forever remember you in my doa and whenever i see something we both used to talk about. 
I can promise you this; i can never watch Despicable Me, Premium Tush, 50-50, Inception, Tangled and so many other movies without thinking about you, laughing at the silliest things we used to talk about. 

I shall in the future have a pet cat, a black one, just like Mama Kucing and name it Toothless, just for fun. Coz that's what we see in black cats. But only if my allergies are in check. If not, I'll find something else and name it Toothless. Haha...

I am tryly grateful that we've remained friends over the past 7 years, and we didn't have to meet so often to maintain the friendship.
Thanks for being a great friend, willing to accept my coocooness and craziness in my life. 

Goodbye, buddy.

I am okay now. It's just that the emptiness is still there, and maybe will remain there forever. 

Let's just pray for him. Al-Fatihah...

Talk of the future: bedtime stories

Assalamualaikum, people.

I think I'm gonna start a trend on my blog-talking about the future.
I think it'd be a great way to reflect on my thoughts 5-10 years from now when things have changed so much in time. InsyaAllah...

Today, I'd like to discuss on bedtime stories for my future kids.

Growing up with Disney fairytales, I'd like to tell stories about fairytales too...but not all about the lovey-dovey stuff. Nope.

1. Beauty and the Beast

I think by now a lot of you would know I'm obsessed with this story. I loved the fact that Beauty fell in love with Beast because of his kind heart and not his looks, like all the other fairytales.
Cinderella liked Prince Charming because he was handsome and was being a baby when she was prevented from leaving the house from the evil stepmother.
Ariel transformed herself into a human because she fell in love with the handsome prince.

Belle was a total opposite. She was smart, hardworking and loved her father. She would read the books she borrowed from the library over and over again because she loves to read. She would defend her dad when the rest of the town were calling her dad "lunatic".
She even took her dad's place to be held captive by the Beast, because she loves her dad.

She fell in love, yes. But not because of the look of Prince Beast.
But because he was nice, loving and funny.

This is what I wanna plant in my kid's head. To fall in love with someone is more than just superficial beauty.

2. Mulan

I loved this story because in the end, a lot of people, heck, the entire China respected Mulan, a normal girl from downtown who wasn't married even when she's older. I assume she's older, since her family were so desperate to marry her off.

She wanted to honor her family, went to war dressed up as a man, faught like a man, and found love by accident.

She was a brave fighter, whereby she put herself last when it came to protecting the emperor. She had guts. And the reward for that is priceless.

She brought honor to her family for generations to come.

From this story, family is utmost important in life. Stand up for what you believe in, even when the whole world is against you.

3. The Prophet Muhammad and anbiya'

I want to raise my kid the Islamic way, whereby I tell them stories about the hard work each Prophet went through to bring Islam where it is today.

How they were tortured and Allah helped them every step of the way. How they prayed and seek His forgiveness every time they faced hardship in spreading Islam.

Hopefully with the endless stories of The Prophet and Anbiya', my kids will grow to be patient, kind and loving...even to the haters. somehow i have this yucky feeling that my kids will be bullied in the future. It could be because they are super smart, friendly, fat or because they have me as their mummy; I'd embarrass them in school events. Ahhhh...too much thought into the unknown future.

Basically, these are my preferences, but who knows, maybe we wont even be reading these books in the future. I might forget about this entry I posted...years ago. haha...
Just sharing my thoughts.

Let me know if you have your very own line of stories you prefer with your kids or niece/nephew.